


DALGONA COFFEE

by gotchick



Series: milk toast [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Attempt at Humor, Boyfriends, Crushes, Cuddling & Snuggling, Eventual Smut, Flirting, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Gay Panic, Getting Together, Jealousy, Kissing, Lee Jeno is Whipped, M/M, Mutual Pining, Possessive Behavior, Reunions, Romance, Sexual Tension, Sharing a Bed, Slice of Life, Slow Burn, Tooth-Rotting Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-16
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:54:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 26,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27043843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gotchick/pseuds/gotchick
Summary: Jeno was slightly tipsy as he helped Donghyuck out of the izakaya, Donghyuck much drunker.About to hail a taxi, he felt a hand on his shoulder that wasn’t Donghyuck’s. He turned at the same time the guy who dropped his hand spoke.‘Lee Jeno?’ A pause of bewilderment. Then, ’It’s me, Jaemin.’Jeno blinked, frozen, squinting at the person before him in the neon light from the restaurant sign. ’Na Jaemin?’ The words left his mouth of their own volition.’Na Jaemin?’ He’d almost forgotten Donghyuck’s limp body in his arms until he piped up, slurring. ’Jeno, wasn’t that your first love? The guy you had a crush on in high school?’
Relationships: Jung Sungchan/Osaki Shotaro, Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Kim Jungwoo, Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin
Series: milk toast [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1976167
Comments: 31
Kudos: 333





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> as promised, my nomin chaptered fic! this is the side story to my dowoo fic milk toast, but it can totally be read as a standalone. this au and verse has been living rent-free in my head since like mid-august when I finished milk toast, but for some reason I kept procrastinating on writing it and starting other new wips… at some point i almost gave up on hoping it’d ever be written lol. im glad i finally managed to get the first chapter, which is the hardest part, out, and hopefully the rest will be easier to finish.
> 
> the idea for this plot was actually inspired by one of my favourite yaoi mangas, junjou, idk if anyone has read it. the manga is about two high school schoolmates reuniting after years after one of them transferred out in the middle of hs. anyway, that part of my plot was inspired by the manga, and the rest of it is my own idea haha
> 
> fun fact there’s both donghyuck and haechan [fem!him] in this verse, bc i’d already used fem him in milk toast and i didn’t have any other suitable characters for here lmao. only donghyuck appears in this fic though.
> 
> let me know honestly how you find the start of this! as i mentioned i’d been coddling this verse in my head for the longest time so i felt a little nervous finally putting it to paper and worried a bit that my writing wouldn’t be good enough to convey the story in my mind ;;

9 pm, after post-classes food and drinks. Jeno was slightly tipsy as he helped Donghyuck out of the izakaya, Donghyuck much drunker.

About to hail a taxi, he felt a hand on his shoulder that wasn’t Donghyuck’s. He turned at the same time the guy who dropped his hand spoke.

‘Lee Jeno?’ A pause of bewilderment. Then, ’It’s me, Jaemin.’

Jeno blinked, frozen, squinting at the person before him in the neon light from the restaurant sign. ’Na Jaemin?’ The words left his mouth of their own volition.

’Na Jaemin?’ He’d almost forgotten Donghyuck’s limp body in his arms until he piped up, slurring. ’Jeno, wasn’t that your first love? The guy you had a crush on in high school?’

A stunned silence fell, Donghyuck slumping back against Jeno’s chest, as Jeno finally registered the guy in the dim. It was unmistakably him. _Jaemin_.

Jaemin was the one blinking now, eyes flickering to Donghyuck’s bleary and unfocused stare and then back to Jeno. The recognition and excitement in them slowly mixing with shock.

‘I—he’s drunk. I’m sorry.’ Jeno didn’t know what he was babbling. Fuck. He tightened his sloppy grip on Donghyuck’s shoulders, wanting to throttle him, almost letting him fall. Jeno’s skin was cold, the air between them thick.

‘Oh.’ Jaemin found his voice, sounding confused and slightly suspicious. Shit. He was staring at Jeno with a look he shook himself out of.

’Sorry, I didn’t mean to bother you guys, I was just so surprised to see you—It’s been what, three years?’

‘Um.’ Jeno just wanted to get away. His eyes roved to a cab passing by, and Jaemin snapped out of his daze and quietly moved to help him flag the next one down.

Jeno didn’t meet his eyes as they tumbled clumsily into the backseat. Jaemin closed the door for them, and Jeno could feel his gaze even through the glass of the window as the car sped away, leaving him standing there.

* * *

He didn’t expect to see Jaemin again—much less two days later, much less on his university campus.

‘You’re not in this school,’ were the first words that came out when Jaemin approached at a brisk clip and was an arm’s length away. Jeno was so stupefied; he felt a little ambushed and not just a little panicked. Was this about Donghyuck’s words from the day before; was Jaemin upset about it? He didn’t look upset, but truth be told, Jeno was the one who had spent the last two nights slightly sleepless over the incident.

‘I’m not.’ Now, Jaemin smiled, looking somewhat sheepish and apologetic for some reason, like he knew he was trespassing into Jeno’s world—shouldn’t be here.

Jaemin looked down and scuffled his sneaker on the ground. ‘I did a bit of sleauthing to find out which school you go to. Sorry—I just had to know.’

‘Know what?’ Jeno asked stupidly, even though he knew.

Jaemin raised his eyes and looked at him. This time Jeno was the one who couldn’t meet them.

He heard Jaemin take a shallow breath. ‘Your friend… two nights ago? Was what he said… true?’

Jeno’s heart was pounding roughly in his ears, drowning out surrounding sounds and people. He couldn’t believe this. He’d only just managed to convince himself after two days that Jaemin had believed Donghyuck’s slip of tongue was merely drunk nonsense—and now Jaemin had tracked him down like this, eyes intense on his as he waited for Jeno’s answer, both of them stone-cold sober now, in broad daylight.

Jeno swallowed and forced himself to look into Jaemin’s face. There was nothing negative he could discern in his expression, but Jeno’s mind was still reeling. All he wanted to do was to get away.

 _No_ , he was going to say firmly. _He mistook you for someone else_. Or some other better and more credible excuse.

Instead, what slipped out of him, independent of his control, was a small nod. Just an almost invisible acknowledgement, but he immediately saw from Jaemin’s expression and his soft hitch of breath that he’d seen it. It was too late for damage control, for a convincing lie, for the chance to make sure Jaemin wouldn’t step into Jeno’s new world anymore.

‘Jeno—‘

‘It was just a stupid teenage crush.’ Not much chance for damage control, but Jeno tried anyway. Forced a laugh. ‘Anyway, you shouldn’t be here—‘

Jaemin grabbed his arm, his fingers wrapping around Jeno’s elbow, and he stiffened.

He could feel the heat of Jaemin’s gaze on his face, waiting for him to look up. Their eyes locked instantly when he did, and Jaemin stared into them, with wonder and something else Jeno couldn’t read. He appeared shaken by the revelation. Jeno was starting to regret—he should have made an escape the moment he spotted Jaemin’s familiar face for the second time in three years. But his body had locked up.

‘What?’ He extracted his arm discreetly from Jaemin’s grasp which had loosened, seeming to be aware he had overstepped his boundaries. He looked embarrassed for the first time, too, swiftly lowering his lashes to hide the confusion and shock churning behind. Jeno wasn’t quite sure why Jaemin was acting like this was a big deal when he was trying his best to downplay it, but he didn’t feel comfortable about this.

‘Nothing, um… It’s a small world, isn’t it?’ Jaemin mumbled, shuffling on his feet. ‘Hey, are your classes done? Do you wanna grab some coffee, catch up—‘

‘You shouldn’t be here,’ Jeno repeated, his voice a little unsteady. ’Students from other schools aren't allowed in. And I’m not free, actually…’ He hoped Jaemin would just get it and leave.

‘Oh.’ He blinked, seeming uncertain before gathering his wits. ‘I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have just come like this to find you—‘ Now Jaemin looked as discomfited as him, which should have made Jeno feel relieved, but didn’t.

They stood at an impasse for half a minute, before Jaemin cleared his throat and said again, ‘Sorry for bothering you. I’ll see you around, then?’

Jeno would have much preferred Jaemin didn’t know where he went to school every day, but he mustered a weak smile and nodded noncommittally. Jaemin gave him a long, hard look before he ducked his head in a small nod too, then turned to walk off, in the direction of the front gates.

* * *

Six degrees of separation. One of Jeno’s hyungs had told him about that, before. How the world was much smaller and the connections between people more intricate than anyone would expect.

He’d been able after the first meeting outside the izakaya to stem the memories threatening to flood back, but this second meeting, Jaemin’s unexpected forwardness, left him shaken, open to the deluge.

He’d met Jaemin in their first year of high school when they were both asked by the teacher to buddy the new boy in class, an exchange student from China, Sicheng.

They’d become a de facto trio, but not immediately. In the initial months it was as awkward between the two of them as it was between them and Sicheng, but by way of the fact alone that they could communicate better, and _had to_ communicate at some level so they could plan how to initiate Sicheng into the school, they soon melted the ice.

They complemented each other—or at least that was what Sicheng said. He’d told them he was surprised to find out they hadn’t already been friends before their homeroom teacher asked them to join forces to help him.

There wasn’t really much room for awkwardness in their busy schedule of taking turns to tutor Sicheng and field his various questions and needs for assistance, and it seemed like they blinked and one day the two—no, the three—of them had become what one would call best friends.

They weren’t girls, so they didn’t exactly use such terms, but it was unsaid and didn’t need to be spelled out. They would hang out together during recess and sometimes even after school, even after Sicheng became proficient in Korean and knew his way around the school and city perfectly.

Two years passed in a flash. And then one day at the end of their second year, out of the blue, Jaemin tremulously blurted out that he was transferring schools.

Jaemin had always been the glue that held the three of them together. Jeno realised this on the first day of third year, when he caught Sicheng sneaking a glance at the empty table in their classroom—because Jeno had been doing the same thing.

Though he knew—because he knew Jaemin well by then—that Jaemin didn’t have a choice in this, that he was definitely struggling more than either of them in a new, foreign place, privately Jeno couldn’t help but feel _left_ , like Jaemin had moved to greener pastures. He’d pretended to be happy for his friend, congratulating him and smiling as they all said goodbye on their last day of school together, but Jeno felt an emptiness inside him like something had been abruptly gouged out and left gaping.

They hadn’t made any real promises—to aim for the same university after high school, or anything binding like that. Of course they’d mumbled _keep in touch_ in that vague way, like boys, but the trickle of messages in their group chat slowly dwindled and then Sicheng had gone back to China after high school graduation, and Jeno had started his college life in a new school, a university he only fleetingly wondered if Jaemin would somehow, by miraculous coincidence, be in too.

Two more years had passed. He never thought he’d see Jaemin again. He was someone who inhabited a soft spot in Jeno’s memories, and that was all. Occasionally he would see something or hear a song that reminded him of either or both of them, but they were just the two guys he’d hung out with in high school. Until that night outside the bar.

* * *

‘Lee Jeno.’

The third time Jaemin appeared in his life again, Jeno thought he was dreaming. After all, his mind had recently been distracted and not in the most lucid state, since Jaemin’s rude barging back into his neat little world.

This time, he whirled around, the soft drawl he suddenly remembered acutely making his pulse skitter. Jaemin was leaning against a wall of lockers, as if he’d already sighted Jeno from a distance and was lying in wait for him to haplessly stroll past. Before the words bubbled to Jeno’s lips, Jaemin brandished the visitor’s pass hanging from a lanyard.

‘I came in with permission this time, don’t worry.’

Jeno took a step back, mind spinning and thoughts a mess again. He struggled to regain his composure.

‘Why are you here again?’

Jaemin winced at his tone, low with slight animosity. But there was something different about him today Jeno could immediately sense—the uncertainty and timidity of the past two meetings had slipped off his shoulders like a cloak, revealing a side Jeno wasn’t sure he knew beneath.

Not answering directly, Jaemin pushed himself off the wall and commented, ‘Do you know where the cafeteria is? I’m lost.’

‘Jaemin—‘ It was the first time Jeno’d said the name since they reconnected, and the flash of Jaemin’s eyes told him it wasn’t missed.

‘If you’re free right now, could you just show me the way? I’ll buy you a meal.‘

Jeno sighed over his agitated heartbeat, feeling cornered. ‘What exactly do you want?’ He felt frustrated, disturbed, baffled by Jaemin’s actions. He didn’t remember him being so—so aggressive back in high school, where he’d been very much laidback and chill, able to take no for an answer.

Jaemin smiled then, a glint in his eyes and his smile eager and gratuitous. ‘I’ll tell you while we’re eating. Let’s go!’

* * *

It was hard to keep up the distance, interacting for a longer time than before like this. Jeno had a vague feeling he was falling into some kind of trap, though he couldn’t figure out what. Despite that, he found himself defrosting, his wariness dissolving as Jaemin exclaimed with boyish excitement when he saw their canteen and generously asked Jeno what he felt like eating.

It was surprisingly easy to fall back into the tandem he recalled from high school, the way they picked up each other’s conversational beats with understated effortlessness.

‘Are you still in contact with Sicheng hyung?’ Jaemin enquired with his mouth full, concerned. Then he looked sheepish. ‘Whatever happened to our group chat, anyway?’

Jeno shrugged, feeling a pang of guilt for not trying harder to maintain contact—if not with Jaemin, at least with their friend. Because he was a couple of years older than them, he’d taken care of them like his little brothers, with great kindness.

‘I got an email from him a few months ago—I think he’s going to graduate and start working next year.’

‘Ah.’ Jaemin put down his fork. ‘Why didn’t he email me too?’

Jeno felt like apologising, ridiculously, at the deflated look on Jaemin’s face. ‘I mean, he did ask me to say hi to you, so I guess he was just busy… Does he even have your email address?’

Jaemin gave him an abashed smile. ‘I don’t think so.

’So…’ He prodded at his food. ‘How was the last year of school… without me there? Did you guys have fun together?’

Jeno hid the grimace he almost made. Jaemin didn't mean to be insensitive. ‘Not really. It was… different without you.’ It’d been like flat soda, tasteless and without the fizz, but he didn’t know how to say that and wouldn’t even if he knew.

Jaemin had no such compunctions. ‘I missed you.’ Jeno stared, wondering if he’d misheard. ‘I mean—I missed you guys.’ Jaemin’s throat worked as he gulped his drink. Jeno remembered once noticing the graceful column of it, his prominent adam’s apple. He coughed and changed the subject.

‘You have piercings now.’

Jaemin’s eyes darted up to him as he observed without thinking, and Jeno wondered if he’d said something weird. He shoveled more food into his mouth and didn’t return the stare.

‘And you have a tattoo.’

‘How’d you know?’ His fork fell, and Jaemin’s did too a moment later.

‘Wait, what? You really have one? I was just kidding—‘

Flustered, Jeno laughed nervously, making Jaemin’s eyes widen before he started laughing too, for the first time since they met again. And Jeno remembered why he’d developed feelings for Jaemin, _when_ he’d realised them—on a nondescript day in their seventeenth year when Jaemin laughed and smiled and called him _Jeno-yah_ in that voice like honey and silk.

They hadn’t interacted long since reuniting, but it was apparent the things Jeno used to find irresistible about him hadn’t changed much—Jaemin’s droll sense of humor, his contagious grin and inexhaustible positive energy, that life force. There’d never been a boring minute back then, not because of Jeno’s uncool awkward turtle-ness but entirely to Jaemin’s credit and Sicheng's agreeable indulgence.

Presently, Jeno tried not to notice how that sandy drawl had deepened and everything about Jaemin had become more—softer, and mellow somehow, seeming to have grown into the good looks that used to draw him much unwanted attention, owning them with a smirk rather than shy smile.

At eighteen, excruciatingly awkward and stumbling into his sexuality, Jeno had thought this aloof, eccentric and unpredictable friend the most beautiful boy he’d ever seen.

He’d met plenty of people since then, from all walks of life, and knew he’d meet any number more in the future, but there’d never been anyone even remotely close to Jaemin. He was one of a kind. One in a million.

Uncontrollably, his mind kept flitting back to the jarring thought that Jaemin _knew_. He was now aware of Jeno’s feelings. Well, his old feelings. It felt as painful as any normal human being’s secret, shameful first crush being discovered by the object of their affections.

* * *

Jeno finished eating, his appetite not as healthy as usual, and ran a restless hand through his hair. He really didn’t like feeling like this—like he was back in his excruciatingly awkward seventeen year old self, all his progress and maturity of the past few years undone in a minute, by the mere presence of one person.

He looked up and noticed Jaemin with his cheek leaned on his hand, watching the way Jeno’s overgrown bangs fell back into his eyes. Jaemin’s gaze felt somewhat penetrating.

‘Lee Jeno,’ he repeated in a dreamy, affectionate tone. Jeno stilled at his low voice. ‘Your eyesmile is as cute as I remember,’ Jaemin went on, without shame. Then as if he’d read Jeno’s thoughts, ’Ah, there’s no one else like you.’

Jeno gaped at him, unsure if he was being clowned, unsure how to react. The words reverberated in his mind, reminding him of how he used to play and replay nearly every sentence they’d exchanged that day at school before he fell asleep. Yes, his crush had reached such dangerous proportions—it was probably a good thing Jaemin had gone away before Jeno could do something stupid and reckless. He was sure that being rejected at that tender age would have been a blow to him. Especially by Jaemin.

Now, Jaemin was flirting this carelessly, looking innocent like he didn’t know what he was doing. It wasn’t a trick of Jeno’s mind—he hadn’t changed, and yet he was different now. Jaemin always had this side of him—mischievous and spunky, silver-tongued, but now he was slick and more confident, even the movements of his eyebrows unconsciously seductive.

And Jeno had liked that eighteen-year-old boy with the purity of first infatuation, been deeply stirred by the way Jaemin would hang back, observing the group of people he was in, his eyes curious, his quietness charming. But to his consternation, he found himself now even more compulsively attracted to this new cocky, guarded boy, this Jaemin who had in the time they had been apart, become even more _himself_.

Concealing his feelings—Jeno remembered suddenly—had been the hardest thing he’d ever done.

* * *

Jaemin cleaned his plate and wiped his mouth with a napkin, exhaling with satisfaction. ‘Wow, the food here is better than my school. Should I transfer here?’

’Ha ha, stop joking. It’s not funny,’ Jeno told Jaemin’s wide, white grin. He started gathering up his stuff to leave. ‘You said you’d tell me why you came if I ate with you.’

‘Oh, that.’ Jaemin’s smile flickered but remained unflagging. ‘Are you sure… this doesn’t seem like the best place to say it. How about you give me your Kakao ID—‘

‘Just spit it out,’ Jeno said impatiently. ‘You’re not coming back here again, are you?’

Jaemin hesitated, looking torn and apprehensive for the first time that day. ‘Why…’

‘Jaemin, speak up. I can’t hear you.’ Jeno only momentarily felt bad for his brusqueness, but his nerves were jangling.

Jaemin looked up at him, to where he’d already stood up, half-turned to depart. His resolute voice drew a few looks as he replied in a rush.

‘I’m in love with you.’


	2. Chapter 2

‘ _Quit messing around_.’ Jeno didn’t mean to growl in a way that made Jaemin flinch, but his heart had almost jumped right out of his chest at Jaemin’s wildly unexpected words. He must be pulling a prank, taking the piss. Right?

Taking stock of their surroundings while feeling uncontrollable heat crawl across his skin, he mercifully saw no one he knew in the vicinity. Jeno reached for Jaemin’s hand and dragged him to his feet without warning, aware that he was being rough, but too frenzied to care. Jaemin himself looked a little shell-shocked as he allowed himself to be tugged out of the cafeteria without resistance, as if he couldn’t believe what he’d said either.

There were facts Jeno knew. One was that Jaemin was straight as an arrow. He had sat through enough conversations between Jaemin and Sicheng, pretending to be equally interested in the girls they discussed. And Jaemin had never once in the years they’d known each other shown any interest in or attraction to their male schoolmates. Jeno could sense his heterosexuality almost as crystal clear as he knew his own bisexuality.

And even if he were somehow mistaken or Jaemin had developed a new interest in the same gender in the preceding years—he had never shown any romantic attraction towards Jeno whatsoever. This Jeno would know, because once he’d searched daily for it with the intensity of foolish hope.

He threw Jaemin against the wall, letting go of his hand, and pinned his eyes. ‘What the hell did you say?’

Jaemin’s face was visibly flushed too, so at least Jeno wasn’t alone. Hopefully Jaemin would chalk his deep blush up to being pissed.

Jaemin sucked in a breath.

‘I’ve been thinking... since the day you confessed your feelings—from back then. And I realised I…’ He broke off, looking pained and breaking their eye contact too.

‘What?’ Jeno’s voice was a hoarse rasp. He felt like—or rather hoped that—he might be in an exceptionally bizarre nightmare.

Jaemin was serious. He could see that now. His head struggled to wrap around the implications, failing. For some reason Jaemin’s eyes suddenly looked like his heart was in them.

‘Jaemin-ah…’ Jeno’s voice softened without him consciously deciding to. ‘Didn’t I tell you? That dumb crush—‘ He cringed at the word. ‘That was last time. In the past.’

There was a long minute in which Jaemin swallowed audibly and took his words in.

‘You mean... you don’t feel that way anymore?’

‘No,’ Jeno lied, the disappointment that flooded Jaemin’s face bitter and shocking as whiplash.

He couldn’t be for real. He didn’t know what he was saying. And now Jeno felt anger, too, as if he were being toyed with.

Jaemin tightened his right hand over his left arm, looking up into Jeno’s eyes tentatively.

‘Are you dating somebody else?’

‘I’m single,’ Jeno answered shortly.

‘Oh.’ Jaemin looked absurdly devastated.

Jeno felt like his guts were twisted. ‘You should go if you have no other business here. I still have some classes to attend.’ He lied again with ease.

‘Oh,’ Jaemin said again, sounding hollow. All his swagger had vanished. ‘All right.’

* * *

As Jeno watched him shuffle away, head down and shoulders hunched, the bereft, guilty pang was slowly replaced by a simmering upset and anger.

What Jaemin was saying—that he had developed… or realised feelings in the brief time since he found out about Jeno’s old ones, was ludicrous.

Was this a game to him? A challenge to add another notch to his belt of conquests, to flirt with homosexuality as if it were a lifestyle choice and not a proclivity one was born into?

Jeno leaned against the wall Jaemin had left for a moment, trying to get his heart rate back to normal. He pushed down the surge of emotions he refused to name or define and focused on the shame and feeling of being mocked aroused in him, ignoring the fact that he knew Jaemin wasn’t like that. He would never mock anybody, much less Jeno. He had always been a far better human being than Jeno. He used to do charity and volunteer work even as a kid. Jaemin was that kind of person.

Jeno had done the right thing, reacted promptly and quashed all his hopes in the bud, sent him away with his tail between his legs. Jaemin would never appear before him again; he’d gotten what he wanted.

He still had the sense of being in the twilight zone as he staggered away feeling raw as a snail without its shell.

* * *

When the call from an unknown number came a week later, he was distracted and picked up without thinking. The familiar voice nearly made him drop his phone.

‘Jen, I’m stuck somewhere and have to get home. Could you give me a ride if you’re free? You have a bike, right?’

‘H-how did you get my number?’

‘Ah, sorry—Hyuckie gave it to me. I mean—I met Donghyuck the first day I visited your uni and he actually remembered me from that day we bumped into each other outside the bar, can you believe that? Anyway, how did you think I found you every time I went to your school? He told me the places I should look right from the start.’

At his stunned silence, Jaemin added with a nervous laugh, ‘Seriously, how did you think I found you in the huge school—please don’t tell me you thought I searched for hours like a creep.’

The silence lengthened as Jeno seemed to have lost the ability to talk. ‘Yah!’ came Jaemin’s offended squawk as he misinterpreted.

 _Hyuckie?_ What the heck was going on behind Jeno’s back? He still hadn’t quite forgiven his current closest friend for creating this whole headache in the first place, and now betrayal was added on to his vendetta, as well as a sense of irritation and niggling anxiety he couldn’t identify.

‘Jaemin—‘ Jeno was floundering in a way that made him grateful they weren’t talking face-to-face, one of the few times in his life he didn’t know how to react to a situation. ‘I thought I made myself clear. I’m not interested in—‘

He faltered, hearing himself and unable to finish the sentence. A sense of humiliation gripped him, and resentment again at this person repeatedly stirring up violent feelings the moment he had managed to calm down and return to normal operations.

‘I-I know.’ Jaemin sounded mollified and jittery, as if worried he would hang up. ‘I just—Jeno-yah, I just want to be friends. Since you have—no more feelings for me… would that be okay?’

Jaemin quickly chased his words with more beseeching ones, as if afraid to hear a rejection. ‘Before we reconnected… I’d actually been thinking of you for a while, for some reason. So when I met you again—it felt kind of like a miracle, like my wishes had come true.’

The sincerity in his voice tugged a chord inside Jeno.

‘Are you mad at me for calling?’ Jaemin asked, voice smaller.

Fifteen seconds of only breathing ensued, before Jeno heaved a gusty sigh.

‘Tell me how to stay mad at you.’

Another thirty seconds of apparently stunned pause, then the smug tone he knew so well answered with a sass he was equally familiar with.

‘That’s impossible.’

‘Where are you?’ Jeno laughed, lying back in his bed and finally relaxing. ‘Sorry, I have to go for dinner with my parents in a bit and really couldn’t pick you up anyway.’

’S’cool.’ Jaemin’s response was quick and breezy. ‘I texted my dad to come get me. I was feeling a bit stuffy, so I came to the pool to do a few laps.’

Jeno pictured him, hair in spiky tufts as it dried, perhaps rubbing at it with a hand towel as he waited. He possibly wished he was free to give the lift.

‘Chat with me until he gets here?’ Jaemin sounded hopeful.

* * *

Just an old classmate, Jeno thought without conviction. Just an old classmate who knocked over Jeno’s equilibrium like a house of cards every time Jeno so much as heard his voice, and whose Instagram he had visited at least four times in the one week since they last met. _He_ was the creep, for looking up Jaemin’s social media, after Jeno had ostensibly cut him out of his life.

‘Do you remember how Sicheng hyung used to call me? _Luo Zaimin!_ ’ Jaemin imitated—Jeno tried not to notice—adorably.

‘Don’t laugh at me.’ Jaemin misunderstood his nervous giggle again. ‘You were always better at Mandarin when he tried to teach us.’

Jeno wondered what he would think if he knew Jeno’s ex—and only—boyfriend had been Chinese as well.

There was something about Kun hyung that had reminded him of Jaemin, in fact, maybe the way he’d taken care of Jeno, how sensitive he was.

On the day he broke up with Jeno, Kun had said kindly, like they were acting in some cliche k-drama: ’There’s someone you can’t forget, right?’

* * *

At eighteen, Jeno had told himself without much persuasiveness that his fall—or more accurately nosedive—for Jaemin was most definitely because of his dreamboat face and heartthrob visuals, his devastating smile and magnetic aura.

Anything but Jaemin himself—his personality, earnestness, how effervescent and effusive he was and how he was always _always_ giving without calculating.

Just a shallow schoolboy crush he would grow out of in a heartbeat.

At that time, vulnerable with shame and fear, his immediate instinct had been to hide these feelings that even then, he knew were greedy and wrong. Then, he knew that they would burden Jaemin if he found out about them, wreck their friendship. Now, he knew the same.

Jaemin might not have ill intentions, but he didn’t know what he was talking about. He couldn’t possibly.

People didn’t just fall in love like this, so easily. He must have been confused by Jeno’s admission and mistaken being flattered for like. That must be it.

Jeno switched his phone to the other ear.

‘You were always looking at me, weren’t you?’ Jaemin’s voice came as if from far away. He sounded wistful.

He was right, but Jeno was dumbstruck, mortified. Jaemin went on softly.

‘Sorry I never noticed.’

Jeno cleared his throat uncomfortably. ‘It’s whatever.’ He feigned ambivalence. ’That’s all—‘

‘Yes, I know it’s ancient history.’ Jaemin sounded sour. ‘I just feel bad for being so oblivious.’

Jeno felt better about how hard he’d worked to hide it then.

‘That’s a good thing. That you never noticed, I mean.’ The last thing he’d wanted was Jaemin’s pity.

‘I see,’ Jaemin said quietly. ‘Uh, my dad’s car is here. Talk to you soon?’

‘Okay,’ Jeno replied without thinking and Jaemin hung up.

Jeno fell into a restless twenty-minute sleep and dreamt, for the first time in years, of Jaemin.

* * *

‘So you don’t mind if I’m interested in Nana?’

‘ _What?_ ’

’What?’

‘Since when were you two on a nickname basis?’

‘Jealous?’ Donghyuck gave him an annoying knowing look.

Jeno didn’t know why he’d even told him almost everything that’d transpired—besides how he truly felt—when Donghyuck had proven unable to keep his mouth shut. Probably by the same sorcery Donghyuck got him to confide the whole thing in him in the first place, which had led to Jeno’s own humiliation.

‘You’re not gay,’ Jeno snapped.

Donghyuck rolled his shoulders. ‘Can’t I be bi-curious? I have to say, after meeting him I finally understood why you were smitten.’ He smirked insufferably.

'I wasn’t smitten.’

‘Sure. So you’re fine with me getting to know him better?’

Jeno closed the fridge in Donghyuck’s apartment harder than he meant to and grabbed his bag to leave.

‘Do whatever you please. I’m not your keeper.’

‘Don’t be a prick,’ Donghyuck called after him as he departed. He knew Jeno too damn well.

* * *

‘Yo, old friend.’

Jeno thought it was an apparition when _that_ face appeared upside down in his field of vision while he was bench pressing at the gym.

‘Jaemin, what the actual fuck. Are you stalking me or something?’

‘No, I—‘ He had the decency to flush as Jeno sat up on the machine, distressed. ‘Donghyuck mentioned you were here, so I decided to drop by… Am I bothering you?’ He looked sheepish.

Donghyuck again. Seriously, what the heck was going on between them?

Jeno grunted, unsure how to collect himself and respond.

‘Can we hang out if you have nothing on after you’re done?’ Jaemin was wearing a feral grin, hazel contacts that made his eyes pop and a shirt only two-thirds buttoned up, bangs slicked off his forehead. Jeno stopped his gaze from straying down to the glimpse of his chest.

He raked a hand through his sweaty hair, a bit self-conscious, weighing his options. Of course, he had Donghyuck’s murder on his agenda later on, but for now—

‘I need to take a shower first.’

Jaemin actually cheered out loud, seeming unaware of the few stares he drew.

‘Shut up.’ Jeno ushered him to the changing rooms.

He took a deep breath once he was alone, feeling attacked, exposed like that snail without a shell, even more so than during the phone call. It was evident by now that Jaemin had simply waltzed back into his life the way he did everything—as he pleased—making Jeno remember that there had been a time when he felt like if this strong-willed, hardheaded boy could belong to him, Jeno would never want for anything more in the world. When he felt such hunger.

‘You look hot,’ Jaemin remarked casually, smooth as butter when Jeno walked out. Jeno tousled his damp hair tensely and stayed a few feet away from him, but Jaemin reached across the space to wrap his fingers around Jeno’s arm, beady eyes combing from his muscle tee to his joggers.

‘Are you checking me out?’ Jeno’s voice came out in a rather pathetic squeak. He pulled his arm out of the grasp.

‘What, can’t a guy compliment his bro’s physique? You know I was always jealous of how you barely need to do anything to build muscle.’

Jeno was already regretting his agreement to hang out as Jaemin squeezed his bare bicep again in a near grope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope im not writing jeno too tsundere lmao he just has a lot of fEeLs
> 
> thank you so much for the support on the first chapter! the incredibly warm response and feedback made me feel like i had managed to convey most of my vision in words, so i was relieved and gratified and so grateful. don’t hesitate to continue to leave me any opinions you may have about how this is progressing, i accept constructive criticism gladly as well. i hope that i can continue writing what you all like, and not disappoint you until the end :)
> 
> if you enjoyed reading this, you may like to check out my latest posted nomin oneshot transit - i know the summary sounds a bit serious but i promise it’s super fluffy and i think if you enjoy reading this fic you’d like that one too :)


	3. Chapter 3

‘Don’t you have other friends? Classes?’ Jeno jibed as they started walking out of the gym. It’d only been a few days since their call.

Jaemin’s cheeks flushed. ‘Of course! Are you finding me a nuisance already?’

 _I wouldn’t even if we saw each other every day_.

Jeno made an unintelligible noise and continued walking. Jaemin spoke up again from his side after a few minutes.

‘You look a bit tired. Are you okay?’

Looking over, Jeno saw Jaemin had dropped his pout and was staring at Jeno’s eyes—or his eye circles—in concern.

Trust Jaemin to notice. He paid attention to little details like that that most guys rarely bothered to. His sharp, astute eyes had disarmed Jeno from the beginning.

‘Am fine, just had more schoolwork lately,’ he hedged gruffly. Couldn’t let Jaemin guess he’d been losing rest in the past month due to him.

For some reason he recalled their home economics classes back in school. It’d been one of Jaemin’s favourite subjects. As if Sicheng knew Jeno’s wishes, he always paired up with someone else so Jeno could be Jaemin’s partner and he would spend the whole period watching Jaemin’s tender and careful ministrations as he was immersed in cooking. He had the same attention to detail in this area, adding extra flourishes the teacher didn’t instruct and holding his cooking up to unnecessary standards. The finished product was the tastiest dish in class every time.

Thinking of how Jaemin used to spoon the first bite of every food they made into his mouth, looking eager for his verdict, made Jeno soften. He realised that he hadn’t been himself for the past weeks, had been temperamental and touchy because he couldn’t think straight. He’d been riled up in the way only one person could make him, panicking when he felt his control spiralling.

‘Sorry I’ve been so grumpy like… since we met,’ he mumbled as they crossed the parking lot to his bike.

Jaemin looked surprised but snorted a laugh.

‘Nah, man, I know you. I’m already used to your grouchiness. That’s just how you are—chic. Like a cactus.’

‘Chic like a cactus?’ Jeno repeated, chuckling and Jaemin gave his shoulder a snide punch.

They were always dressed in their school uniforms back then but it looked like Jaemin actually had—or had developed—an impressive fashion sense, which didn’t surprise Jeno. His lithe, lanky frame was more obvious in his current clothes. His self-assurance impossible to look away from.

‘You’re always taking off whenever I find you,’ Jaemin said, turning to face Jeno when they stopped beside his motorcycle. There was a teasing smile playing at his lips.

Jeno looked down at the ground under his heavy gaze, at Jaemin's high-tops, hoping his ears weren’t red.

‘It kind of hurt my feelings,’ Jaemin continued, and when Jeno looked up again he had his hand over his heart and a coy smile on his face.

Jeno sighed long-sufferingly. ‘I’ll treat you to a cup of coffee to make up for it.’

‘Sick!’ Jaemin grinned, ecstatic.

* * *

Jeno passed over the spare helmet from his trunk and when Jaemin fumbled with the strap, shook his head and reached out to help. Their fingers brushed and Jaemin’s eyes flicked up to his but Jeno pretended not to see and straddled his bike.

‘Get on.’ He pushed down his visor. Jaemin obediently clambered behind him with a bit of fluster, which Jeno noted with triumph. But soon enough he was the one flustered as Jaemin tightened his arms around Jeno’s waist the moment he started driving and leaned on Jeno’s shoulder blade in a way that was needlessly intimate.

Just to be juvenile, he ordered a strawberry latte at the cafe. Jaemin dazzled the young female barista with a lopsided smile as he ordered his flat white, then went to find them a table as Jeno paid.

The moment he collected the drinks he saw that the cardboard sleeve around Jaemin’s cup had a marker-scrawled message that his didn’t. Jaemin covered his mouth when he saw the _Caution: Too hot to handle_ accompanied by a winky face and darted laughing eyes to the counter to see if the girl was looking before struggling to straighten his face.

Jeno tossed sugar packets beside his cup. 'You must get this a lot.’

Jaemin sniggered at his sarcastic tone. ‘Yeah? Go on, I’m listening.’

‘Would you like to try my strawberry latte?’ Jeno asked sweetly, making him shudder.

‘Meanie,’ Jaemin whined and made a sad face, which Jeno ignored.

A minute later, when he got up and crowded onto the bench next to Jeno, he almost slung his arm around Jaemin’s shoulders out of habit. When they used to go to fast food restaurants after school to study, they were always squeezing into one side of the booth as they let Sicheng take up the other side alone, out of respect since he was older. Jeno’s muscle memory held the phantom tactile sensation in his fingertips of the uppermost knob of Jaemin’s spine as he would rub it to help his friend relax.

Presently, Jaemin smelled stupidly good and his eyelashes were long and dark in side profile. _Pretty_ , Jeno thought, a word that surfaced in one’s mind again and again in Jaemin’s presence. Even when Jeno closed his eyes his prettiness seemed to be burned onto the insides of his eyelids.

‘What are you doing?’ he protested in a mumble, shifting away so their sides weren’t touching. Jaemin flashed him a sheepish smile and slid back to his seat opposite.

‘Just trying to get a picture of the cake.’ He was looking at the screen of his phone aimed in Jeno’s direction now.

Jeno narrowed his eyes after a few moments. ‘You’re trying to take a photo of me, aren’t you.’

Jaemin quavered, then started to giggle. ‘I swear, it’s the cake. Could I have one of you, though? The only pictures I have of you are literally years old.’

Jeno’s suspicious look intensified. ‘Why would you need a picture of me?’

‘Do you want the long or short list of reasons?’

Jeno rolled his eyes. ‘Go ahead and take one if you must. _Just one_.’

Jaemin straightened up with his cheekbones pinkening with excitement. Jeno must have seen more adorable sights in his life, but he couldn’t summon a single of them now for all the world.

As if the fates were yet finished with his torment, the way Jaemin stared at him—through the phone camera—made Jeno’s throat dry up. Because Jaemin’s smile slipped slowly off his face like Jeno, posing awkwardly, was a thing of beauty.

‘Are you done?’

One day in their second year Jaemin had brought his precious vintage film camera to school and mounted it on a tripod to take a picture of the three of them. He ran to join them after setting the timer and Sicheng, in the middle, slung his arms over them both as the shutter clicked, dopey grins on all their faces as they threw peace signs at the flash.

Jaemin walked around the school compound after that with the camera strap slung around his neck, snapping shots of random scenery as Jeno trailed behind with quiet interest. Just before the end-of-recess bell rang, Jaemin turned to face him.

‘Can I take one of you?’ He bit his lip shyly. Jeno couldn’t refuse.

Jaemin had looked artless as he carefully crouched to get Jeno’s best angle, squinting one eye shut. He photographed the way he did everything he loved—with all of his heart.

* * *

‘Shit,’ Jaemin said now, wiping his lips. ‘I don’t think this is soy milk.’

‘It’s dairy?’ Jeno leaned forward, worried. He could feel Jaemin’s eyes on his back as he stood up without further preamble and headed for the counter.

‘It’s soy.’ He couldn’t hide the relief in his voice as he returned, breathless. Jaemin looked relieved too, but there was a shadow over his face.

‘What?’ Jeno asked softly. ‘Do you feel queasy?’

‘Don’t just do that.’

‘Huh? Do what?’

‘Take care of me like it’s nothing. It’s cruel, after rejecting me.’

Jaemin’s words were flirty, but his tone was oddly serious. And sad. Jeno gulped as he sat back down.

Jaemin was barely younger than him, tough and strong and masculine, so Jeno didn’t know why he felt such a need to protect him from the day they became friends. It came so naturally, the urge to take care of Jaemin, that Jeno never really noticed he was doing so because he usually thought of himself as the one being taken care of, by Jaemin’s maternal personality.

* * *

‘Donghyuck asked me out,’ Jaemin blurted out while eating his side of the cake they were sharing.

‘Like on a date,’ he clarified when Jeno just blinked. Jaemin put his fork down.

‘Oh. Um… yeah. He told me he wanted to.’ Jeno just hadn’t realised he was serious. Or were they somehow in cahoots?

Jaemin’s brow furrowed. ‘And… you don’t mind?’ He was watching Jeno so closely that he mumbled his answer without thinking.

‘Why would I?’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is shorter bc i think im getting a little burnt out lol. i’ve written so much this week because i wanted to take full advantage of the initial passion and excitement i had to start writing before i knew i would hit the difficult middle. i hope my many updates weren’t too annoying… i’ll try my best to make up with a longer next chapter. thank you sm if you’re following updates and were interested in this from the start!


	4. Chapter 4

‘Okay.’ Jaemin nodded and after a protracted pause, took out his phone. Jeno watched his fingers fly over the screen, smile spreading across his lips.

‘Just a sec… I want to give Donghyuck an answer right away. When he asked I told him I had to run it by you first… since he’s your friend after all.’

‘So that’s why you came to find me at the gym?’

Jaemin shrugged, picking up his drink. Jeno’s mind was whirring to catch up—he hadn’t even registered what he’d said and his two friends already had a date.

As the silence that had settled between them lengthened, Jaemin leaned back in his seat and unwrapped a lollipop from his pocket. He started licking it in a provocative fashion, eyes hooded and on Jeno.

Jeno tore his gaze away first, aware that his ears and probably face too were definitely red now, and getting kind of angry about Jaemin’s apparent attempts at mindfucking. He was increasingly sure that he had something up his sleeve.

‘Stop trying to seduce me.’

Ah—he hadn’t meant to blurt that out loud. Jaemin stopped sucking the lollipop obscenely and froze.

Since he was already being honest, Jeno went ahead and finished the thought, drove the nail in. He felt irritation simmering in him again.

‘You’re going to start seeing Hyuck—because you’re interested in each other, right? He probably won’t like you meeting me anymore. And we shouldn’t talk or think about high school again either.’

He was just shooting his mouth off, due to the sudden heat rushing through his veins. He didn’t even know if seeing him had opened up the floodgates for Jaemin the way it had for him.

‘The past is over. There’s no use crying over spilt milk.’

He had truly lost the plot and was now spouting ridiculous idioms in addition, like some old fogey. Jeno realised he was in fact addressing himself more than Jaemin. He’d really gotten confused for a moment there, almost fallen down the rabbit hole again.

There was a stilted beat before Jaemin’s blank face dissolved into laughter. His eyes gleamed as he said in that trademark dry tone of his, ‘Well, I can’t drink it anyways, so spilled milk doesn’t really bother me. What I can drink, on the other hand…’

He wiggled his eyebrows at Jeno, who hissed out a breath of relief. So he hadn’t been imagining it; Jaemin _was_ hitting on him deliberately, and probably just for kicks too. He’d always taken pleasure in teasing and flustering Jeno since forever.

Still, Jeno was grateful to him for defusing the tension that easy way he had.

‘Jaemin, please.’ He pinched his nose bridge in exasperation, and apologised for getting pissy again. ‘It’s just that I don’t remember you being so… flirtatious.’

Jaemin laughed again, cocking his head to regard him. ‘I don’t remember you being corny.’

Jeno groaned. ‘Fair.’

‘Seriously though… you haven’t changed a bit.’

‘Really?’ Hearing this made Jeno feel flattered somehow.

Jaemin nodded, chewing his lip.

‘You’re still a giant teddy bear. And still as petty.’ He tacked the second part on as if embarrassed.

‘Excuse me? Petty?’ He _was_ petty, and only Jaemin would dare to call him out on it. That was what made him special.

Jeno’s best friend from high school hadn’t changed at all, too. Jeno knew that inexhaustible, single-minded tenacity of his by heart, the way Jaemin knew his idiosyncrasies and defining traits. Jaemin still ricocheted between screw-loose recklessness and calm quiet like a manic energizer bunny, mercurial. He was still his own source of light, like a firefly. Still the only person Jeno had known for years but couldn’t fully pin down.

The enigma that Jaemin was used to drive him to distraction. No matter how familiar he became, there remained some part of him that wasn’t knowable, off-limits. Jeno could never quite tell what he would do or say next and that kept him guessing.

On the contrary, even when Jeno was reticent, Jaemin always seemed to be able to parse his thoughts without breaking a sweat. That was why he had to be careful in hiding his feelings this time.

Still, he felt relieved he’d deduced right and Jaemin hadn’t been _really_ flirting since Jeno turned him down, just kidding around.

He did feel relieved.

* * *

Even if Jaemin hadn’t transferred schools, Jeno would never have told him how he felt.

They were just kids back then. Jeno couldn’t imagine it—confessing to Jaemin; dating him, if he reciprocated.

To him, Jaemin was larger than life, so close that Jeno couldn’t picture their relationship being any other way than it was, despite his longing for something so nebulous he could only name it as _more_.

Maybe the truth was that Jeno didn’t know what he wanted. Sometimes he thought everything would be simpler if he’d never met Jaemin at all, never known of his existence. Then Jeno would never have to know the sensation of a Jaemin-shaped void in his life.

First loves hardly ever had happy endings, anyway. Even Donghyuck’s first love, which he’d shared with Jeno in return for his confidence, had been tragically unrequited as well.

* * *

‘Jeno hyung?’ They both started at the unfamiliar voice, looking up in sync, Jaemin with a confused frown, Jeno registering one of his lowerclassmen from school standing by their table. They’d been so immersed in their conversation he hadn’t seen him enter earlier.

Sungchan was the only other acquaintance in their university Jeno had who was bisexual too. They’d been introduced by an upperclassman, Ten, who’d since graduated, and for the past couple months Jeno had become Sungchan’s sounding board for the crush he had developed on a classmate of his, Shotaro.

They bumped fists and Sungchan eagerly offered to buy Jeno a drink to thank him for his recent time, but Jeno insisted on buying his younger friend one since he was already full. He told Jaemin to excuse him for a moment and they caught up while queuing for the coffee.

When Jeno got back Jaemin had his food finished and seemed ready to leave.

‘Let’s get out of here.’ Jaemin strode out of the cafe before Jeno could respond and he hurriedly bade goodbye to Sungchan before pushing out the door too.

‘I thought you wanted to spend longer in there.’ Jeno walked faster to match Jaemin’s pace as he started down the street.

‘You seemed chummy with that guy,’ Jaemin remarked, not answering. He tilted his head. ‘Is he gay too?’

Jeno faltered. Jaemin’s eyes were fixed on his face.

‘Don’t smile at other guys.’

Jaemin murmured this so softly Jeno almost couldn’t make it out.

‘Huh?’ His heart thudded faster.

Jaemin stopped in his tracks and turned to face him, his eyes flaring.

‘I’m the one you like, right?’

Jeno stopped cold, too, having the feeling of being thrown a curveball out of the left field again.

He thought Jaemin had agreed it was all water under the bridge, that even if he continued flirting it was all in good fun. It shook Jeno once again, to suspect he had misread Jaemin’s intentions completely.

‘Just because I’m gay doesn’t mean any guy will do.’

The words fell between them. Jeno belatedly realised his meaning could be misconstrued.

But before he could explain, through his own increasing confusion, Jaemin took a deep breath.

‘I’m sorry, that was out of line,’ he said in a rush. ‘Jeno—I really am sorry.’

They were in the middle of the sidewalk, and Jaemin had his head lowered so he didn’t see the passerby whose path he was in. Jeno reached to tug him out of the way without thinking, and Jaemin looked up when Jeno dropped his arm and gestured that they should enter the nearby shopping mall.

The assertiveness seemed to have slipped away, revealing a glimpse of his quiet, awkward side. It made Jeno wonder if Jaemin was less sure of himself than he seemed to be.

They wandered into another ubiquitous coffee shop—it didn’t really matter; Jeno couldn’t register anything much in his surroundings anyway when Jaemin was his focal point. This cafe was slightly more busy than the previous one and no one bothered them or noticed when they sat down without ordering anything.

‘I said I would back off but—I’ve been pushy, pestering you, haven’t I?’ Jaemin’s smile was wry and self-reproachful.

Before Jeno could, Jaemin spoke again.

‘I was selfish and made you uncomfortable.’ He paused, gazed up into Jeno’s eyes. ‘Forgive me, hyung?’

Jeno could count the number of times Jaemin had ever called him that on the fingers of one hand. So he was suitably dumbfounded and Jaemin only hesitated a few beats, toying with his fingers on the table between them, before filling the silence.

‘When we met again and I found out that I’d been more important to you than I could ever have imagined, back then—it made me really happy. I thought about it long and hard—actually, I kinda couldn’t stop thinking about you after that—and realised that my own feelings were more... more than platonic as well. All this time. It just never occurred to me that it could be possible because we’re both guys, but then you—

‘I understand timing is everything when it comes to these things, though, and respect that your feelings changed. I don’t want to force you to accept me out of sympathy.’

Jeno’s jaw was slack at the wholly unexpected outpouring, from Jaemin who looked so, so sincere it struck his heart. At the last word his chest squeezed again. Jaemin shook his head as though clearing it, trying not to let his smile dim.

‘I was serious when I said I don’t want to lose touch with you this time,’ he admitted, blazing on. All his bravado had been replaced by that humble hopefulness. ‘It wasn’t easy for us to meet again. If we parted ways now and never saw each other for the rest of our lives, I think that would be my biggest regret. This friendship… it’s special to me.’

Jaemin had always been better than him at words, expressing his _emotions_ , but Jeno could tell that this time he meant every single one, no longer even hiding behind levity. He looked embarrassed but brave and determined to communicate his feelings, and Jeno realised that he still trusted this person more than anyone else in the world.

‘I’m sorry too.’ He didn’t expect this to be what he said in reply to Jaemin's long, heartfelt confession, and it felt lacking. ‘I should have told you honestly… everything, from the start.’ Though he already knew he would never have had the guts to.

Jaemin smiled, though, like his lame response was enough. He looked so open and unguarded.

‘It’s okay. I know you didn’t want to hurt me.’

‘The most important thing...’ Jaemin’s eyes turned serious. ’It’s that you’re happy. Are you happy, Jeno-yah?’

Jeno swallowed. ‘Yeah. I’m happy.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was the most challenging for me to write since the first one and i hope it wasn’t obvious to readers! bc in this one the characters had some complicated emotions and actions, i wanted to try to write them in a realistic and human way. not sure how well I succeeded tho lmao,, as always, if you have any thoughts, feel free to share anything and everything with me so i can improve in possible ways i may not see, being too close to the work :3


	5. Chapter 5

The past weeks had been a rollercoaster ride. At night when Jeno did his homework he would read the same passage in his textbook over and over, mind a million miles away. He felt off-kilter, compelled to reminisce on things he had locked away into a drawer to gather dust. He was eighteen again, eighteen and in the throes of unrequited love and lust, waking up multiple mornings a week with his heart sledgehammering and his underwear sticky because he’d spent the better part of the night in a fever dream of his best friend’s creamy skin, delicate collarbones and the way he felt in Jeno’s arms every time he daringly stole touches, fragile as gossamer.

He didn’t know how to feel right now that Jaemin had given up at last, but was almost certain that by tomorrow he would feel only relief. What Jaemin was offering—Jeno would be a fool not to take it. The soreness when their time together was cut short back then was still surprisingly fresh. People used to clamor to be Jaemin’s friend—their classmates, even guys from other classes, and not just girls. Jeno and Sicheng were significantly less popular since Sicheng was shy and Jeno apparently unapproachable.

This friendship was precious—even sacred—to Jeno, too, though he would never put it into as many words. It was only later on that he realised it was uncommon to forge such a deep bond with another person who wasn’t family. That friends didn’t normally have this much _fun_ with each other.

Jaemin was tenacious, but he could be too. And Jeno was betting on his hunch that Jaemin’s feelings would die down soon enough, that they were well-intentioned but temporary nonetheless. That he was just conflating nostalgia for the good old days with anything more, which Jeno could understand.

And if his conscience prickled, if he sensed something already reawakening inexorably inside him… he ignored it.

It might be tiring at first, finding a place in each other’s lives again, but in the short time since their reunion, Jaemin had already embedded himself into the fabric of Jeno’s life such that he couldn’t imagine it without him anymore.

* * *

‘So… friends?’ Jaemin’s eyes sparkled with the smile that was Jeno’s fatal weakness.

He groaned, halfheartedly.

‘Since when can I say no to you?’

Jaemin absorbed this, flummoxed before his face lit up with such thrilled happiness, like someone who had been given a new lease on life, that Jeno felt as if his heart had been blown wide open.

A clean slate—he could do this.

Before he gave Jaemin a ride home, they dropped by the bookstore. Jaemin said he needed to get a book and Jeno offered to buy it for him, to commemorate the start of their new friendship. Jaemin did a double take; it was nice knowing Jeno could fluster him as well.

‘I’ve been neglecting my friends lately,’ Jaemin mused as he ran his knuckles over a row of reference books.

‘Your friends?’

Jaemin nodded. ‘My two best bros in uni. They’re hyungs I respect a lot. Actually, I haven’t really told them about you or our whole reconnecting. I didn’t know how to explain our whole history, y’know…’

A bit sheepish, he rattled off their names but Jeno wasn’t really listening. Of course he was aware Jaemin had his own new life which Jeno didn’t have the faintest idea about, but it still stung to hear he was part of another trio now. While all Jeno had was Donghyuck, who appeared to have been conquered by Jaemin too anyway—Jaemin couldn’t guess this, but Jeno had been kind of a loner after he first entered university. Gauche and withdrawn, he wouldn’t even have found a friend in Donghyuck had he not made the first move and stuck to Jeno like gum. Jeno had never been a social butterfly like Jaemin or even as sociable as Sicheng.

Trailing behind Jaemin through the stacks, Jeno stopped when he did, seeming to have found what he was searching for. It was an elementary English book titled _Big Dogs_.

Jeno suppressed his smile and the comfort that at least some things hadn’t changed, and asked if he was buying it to look at the pictures.

‘Yeah, and it helps with my English.’ Jaemin looked adorably embarrassed, clutching the book.

‘You’re learning English?’

‘I’m studying it in school.’ Jaemin shot him a crooked smile before heading for the cashier after checking with Jeno if he wanted to get anything. While standing in the queue, he asked Jeno all about his major and minor.

* * *

They slipped back into friendship remarkably effortlessly. This ease… it was ineffable. Something that could only described in sensation—like strolling to the CVS in the middle of the night for a snack or beer; like sliding a favourite worn out sweatshirt over one’s shoulders, the material soft as eiderdown; like eating a souffle, light and sweet. Not that it was something easy to forget, but Jaemin’s presence was druglike, and when they were together Jeno felt a shot of pure serotonin direct to the veins.

He’d been admittedly dramatic and temperamental before this truce, overthinking things in a way he seldom did, wound tight as a guitar string. Now he finally let go of all his reservations and sank into the expanse of ease between them like a cloud.

Their new-old friendship was something featherlight, but everything about it familiar at the same time. Jeno had missed the way he felt himself _glow_ in Jaemin’s company, how he felt transformed into a different him, the best him.

He’d missed Jaemin.

* * *

On his part, Jaemin was true to his word. He stopped watching Jeno like a predator would an endangered species, though he didn’t stop texting on the daily, proactively asking Jeno to hang out on the average of once a week.

_dude my parents are going to a gathering wanna come over and play kart rider_

Jeno received this message one Tuesday at 2 pm. He headed over to Jaemin’s house from school after dismissal. He had vague memories from the few times he and Sicheng had visited to do homework long ago.

Jaemin was wearing round wire-rimmed glasses that kept slipping down his nose, and faded homewear. He said he hadn’t had classes today and was bored out of his mind after spending the morning baking cookies with his mom to bring to the gathering.

Jaemin plated the leftover cookies prettily and served them with some dalgona coffee he had made, like Jeno was an honoured guest. He smiled when Jeno immediately took another cookie after finishing the first one.

‘Remember how you used to buy me bread during recess?’

Jeno choked a little on the dry biscuit and gulped his drink before he spoke.

‘I bought it for hyung too.’

‘Huh. I distinctly recall you only gave it to me.’

‘You’re remembering wrongly, I bought for both of you,’ Jeno insisted, and Jaemin hummed skeptically.

‘Okay, if you say so.’

Jeno crammed another cookie into his mouth and waited for Jaemin to say they could start playing.

‘You look cute today,’ he said instead, making Jeno cough again.

‘Ah?’ He sounded like an idiot, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

‘It’s just a compliment.’ Jaemin appeared amused, leaning his cheek on his palm with his elbow rested on the coffee table. He was sitting on the floor cross-legged while Jeno perched awkwardly on the sofa.

‘A platonic one,’ Jaemin clarified, when he didn’t respond.

‘Um... thanks.’

Jaemin sipped his coffee and munched delicately on a cookie. Jeno tried not to notice his tongue dragging over his lips to clear the crumbs.

‘It seems I’m always the one showering you with compliments.’ Jaemin was still enjoying the tea slowly and seemed to have no intention yet of starting to game. ‘Do you have anything to say to me, Jen?’

‘Anything to say...’ Jeno scratched his head and raised his eyes to the ceiling. When he glanced back at Jaemin he was running a finger over his lip in anticipation, so eager to hear Jeno’s answer the snarky quip on his tongue flew out the window.

‘You look sexy.’

 _Fuck_. Had he really said that?

The way Jaemin’s eyes smouldered told him he had. Jeno bit the inside of his cheek and felt an ugly flush start to creep up his collar.

He was just stating objective facts; it wasn’t his fault Jaemin looked more like a fuckboy than usual today. Still, Jeno kicked himself inside.

Jaemin was the one silenced now for a minute, before he broke the ice by guffawing. He almost looked sorry for Jeno’s obvious discomfort.

‘You’re still so innocent. Ah, you’re like a little boy.’

‘I beg your pardon?’ Jeno bristled. Jaemin only laughed harder, obnoxiously loud.

‘Are you saying I’m simple-minded? Is that a compliment too?’ He felt like he was being ridiculed.

’No, no.’ Jaemin waved a hand. ‘You’re simple, not simple-minded.’

When Jeno remained offended, he elaborated, ‘I just loved—love how you can’t hide your feelings. I don’t think I know anyone else as honest.’

Jaemin’s own honesty mollified—and threw—Jeno.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry this is so short! the next update will be up much quicker!!
> 
> [shameless plug] do check out my oneshot a million moments, if you haven’t read it :)
> 
> ps i saw a few of my milk toast readers on this fic and idk it made me rly happy that there are ppl who love this whole verse as much as me… i’ll be writing the dowoo parts thinking of you~


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2 updates in 2 days, I feel proud of myself haha. Hopefully I can find a steady pace although my outline for the rest of the fic needs work so the next chap may take a bit longer
> 
> Also I only realised later on that I used the word ‘look’ a shit ton of times in the last chap and tried to edit out as many as I could lol ty for overlooking the sloppy writing so generously, I feel that this shouldn’t happen bc I proofread every chapter at least 5 times so idk how I still miss out a lot of repeated words,, I will work harder to proofread more times from now on uwu

The first time he’d felt jealousy over another person in his life was etched in his mind. It was sometime at the beginning of their second year when he’d arrived at the classroom one morning to see Jaemin sitting on Sicheng’s desk, swinging his legs and chattering, which wasn’t an uncommon sight. What was uncommon was that a shifty expression flashed across their faces when they spotted Jeno, and they abruptly clammed up. Jeno remembered his bright smile slipping off as they forced laughs and greeted him awkwardly, the startling stab of a green-eyed kind of upset as Jaemin changed a look with their hyung then shimmied off Sicheng’s table and slunk back to his own seat, never once meeting Jeno’s eyes.

As it turned out, the secret they’d been sharing was about Jeno’s upcoming birthday surprise—a very sweet one that made him feel bad for his suspicions—but even after the rest of the memories had grown faded like old leaves, the sensate feeling of what he identified as jealousy remained branded in his emotional thesaurus.

It seemed to open up a chasm inside him, because he’d never thought it possible in his short life thus far to feel such intensity about another human being. It gave the unnerving sensation of a part of him becoming impaired, compromised, no longer within his autonomy.

There was something about the current situation that made that memory resurface. How Jeno had knowingly put Jaemin on a pedestal, almost without thinking, but even seeing all his flaws and imperfections in person again, in high definition, he nevertheless found himself hurtling in a freefall. Like he was riding down the freeway without any brakes, unable to stop, risky and dangerous but the wind rushing by his ears hypnotically.

* * *

They were on another of their cafe dates when he told Jaemin about Sungchan and his crush. Jeno didn’t know why—he guessed he just wanted to appear popular, with more than one friend too.

‘Hmm.’ Jaemin sipped from his straw thoughtfully. He appeared pleased that Jeno had shared this with him, but deadpanned, ‘You won’t fall in love while helping him, will you? That’s what always happens in dramas.’

Jeno couldn’t stifle his laugh. ’You and your dramas.’

‘Speak for yourself, Gundam dork.’ Jaemin’s eyes glittered with mirth.

Jeno gasped at the low blow. ‘Stop digging out skeletons in the closet; I’m not that uncool anymore,’ he whined.

Jaemin blew a raspberry. ‘I can see that.’

Jeno huffed to hide his embarrassment. This was the downside to having a friend old enough to know one’s darkest secrets.

‘Since I’m not cool enough for you, let’s break up then.’

He said this so lightly, neither of them realised what he’d uttered until their eyes caught in an awkward lock.

‘As friends, I mean. As friends!’ He cleared his throat when his voice came out a pitch higher.

Jaemin blinked, before he threw his head back in laughter, and Jeno swore he felt a drop of cold sweat roll down his back.

Jaemin reached across the table to give his shoulder a friendly punch. ‘Bro, your sense of humour has improved.’

He had turned up for their meeting dressed in a black bucket hat, aviator sunglasses he’d taken off upon entering the cafe and a cream cable-knit button up cardigan, a combo Jeno couldn’t imagine anyone else pulling off. It made Jeno wonder how Jaemin would fit into his varsity jacket, a thought he stopped in its tracks.

‘Hey gorgeous,’ Jaemin had gone the moment Jeno pulled up on his bike in his ratty leather jacket, complete with an eyebrow wag. Then he’d slapped his hand over his mouth the way he sometimes did after complimenting Jeno, as though the praise had slipped out inadvertently. His eyes remained openly admiring in a way Jeno would never dare to put on display though.

Even slouching absently in the booth where they were sitting now, Jaemin looked regal in that way he effortlessly did. Jeno watched him covertly from behind his phone, the shop’s playlist of lo-fi and muzak in the background, and thought of how these meetings had somehow become the highlights of his weeks. Just the two of them, just vibing—there wasn’t anything like this.

Jaemin seemed to be vibrating with slightly more of his usual energy today, extra savage and bubbly.

It was enchanting.

Jeno had already caught five female customers stealing glances at him, while the object of their attention seemed oblivious.

‘How many cups of coffee did you already drink before coming?’ he demanded in amusement, and Jaemin raised a finger to his lips with a sly grin.

‘Not telling,’ he singsonged childishly. Jeno clicked his tongue with mock disapproval.

Jaemin proffered his phone and asked if he could help take a few shots for his IG.

‘You look like you want to eat me up,’ he murmured through his teeth, angelic beam unflagging.

Jeno nearly dropped the phone. ‘No I don’t.’ He shoved it back after two clumsy clicks. ‘Weirdo.’

‘Now I want one of you for my wallpaper.’ Jaemin cackled when Jeno reflexively crossed his arms in front of his face.

‘ _Please_ ,’ he wheedled, ‘I was only kidding.’

Grumbling about being a sucker, Jeno lowered his arms. Jaemin started to go shutter-happy as he promised not to put it on his Instagram either.

‘You better not!’

Jeno flipped his hair out of his eyes and posed in a macho and suave manner, but in the end Jaemin annoyingly showed him only a candid snap of him biting his thumb nervously, the big dumb grin on his face making his eyes happy crescents.

‘Beautiful, isn’t it.’ He looked proud.

‘God I look so stupid, delete.’

Jaemin snatched back and cradled the phone protectively. ‘Don’t you dare.’

Charmed, Jeno pushed his tongue into his cheek to hide it.

* * *

‘So how did your… date with Donghyuck go?’

Enough time had elapsed since that they would probably have gone if they weren’t just stringing him along, but when Jeno had offhandedly broached the topic with Donghyuck he had been his usual infuriating self and snickered for three minutes before calling Jeno a simp. Whatever that meant.

‘Curious?’ Jaemin enquired now in response to his question.

Jeno bit his tongue. ‘Not really.’

‘'Kay.’ Jaemin didn’t elaborate further, picking his phone up when it buzzed, which happened with a vaguely irritating frequency during their time together. His friends must be very chatty.

Jeno wanted to scream, or bang his fist on the table immaturely. He wished to play as cool as Jaemin, but then thought of how happy Donghyuck had been acting of late. Like he was in love.

‘Are you guys gonna see each other again?’ He retried, wincing at how obvious he sounded.

This made Jaemin raise his head, mercifully because Jeno was now wondering if all this time that influx of texts was from _his_ friend.

Jaemin gave a lazy shrug. ‘Maybe,’ he said in the same cryptic tone, ‘I mean, we’ve both been busy though.’

As if he’d known Donghyuck two years and not two months. It was enough to drive one crazy.

‘Do you want to hang together with us?’ Jaemin added, surprising him.

‘Not really.’ Jeno levelled him with a baleful glare and drained his cup.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The characters will be getting together in a couple of chapters’ time and the rest of the fic will be about their established relationship; I had to write both of them esp jeno being lovey dovey for some time at least lmao
> 
> The rest of this authors note is gna be super cringy and tl;dr so I apologise in advance and you’re totally not obligated to read it lol. i know I mentioned it before but I cant stress enough how much the current pool of readers who are following updates and probably have been since the beginning or close to the start, mean to me. after posting each chapter I could see there were people regularly reading this and that was really the biggest sustenance to me while writing the first few chapters of the story as I found my groove. It’s not a super huge number of readers [but not small either!] but that only made this support all the more precious. the subs, bookmarks too - when I didn’t post for a week I got a bunch of new subs which told me people were waiting, and this fic has a surprising number of bookmarks [though almost all of them are private for some reason lmao] im not bragging or anything istg I just want to express my gratitude. Stats aren’t important and writers are supposed to write for themselves - which is also rly important to me - but I cherished the thought behind them and was incredibly moved by the multitude of small ways readers found to show their engagement with this work.
> 
> I said at the start that this specific idea had been percolating in my head since august, but in fact since I finished my previous nomin longfic in april I’d already been thinking how I wanted to write them with a different dynamic and though the dynamic remained unchanged I actually cycled through a few plot ideas before settling on this one haha. For many months no matter what I was writing this was always at the back of my mind, so you can imagine how much it meant to me when I could finally overcome my perfectionism and muster the courage to start writing this regardless of how lacking my writing felt. I’ve only been an nctzen for around a year so I still get insecure at times abt my characterisation, but as I mentioned before the comments I continued getting on my other nomins [specifically this much we can handle] telling me it was one of their favourite nomin aus or that they saw jeno and jm the way I wrote them, were my biggest driving force.
> 
> Im rambling like this bc I felt like I never got to communicate my appreciation to readers, and to me personally that has always been something really sacred as a writer. Wherever you are, whoever you are, I bet you don’t know just how much you’re making my day just by opening up this fic and spending precious time in it; so if you’re reading these words at any point of time, im sending hugs and good vibes to you :3
> 
> Part of the reason I feel lacking is that I haven’t had time to reply comments - however I truly treasure every comment with my whole heart and honestly no matter how insignificant or trivial readers may think their comments are, please know that every single comment helps authors to see their fic in a fresh insightful light from the readers’ perspective - im saying this in general bc I know many readers are intimidated and daunted to comment bc they feel their comments won’t be worthy enough. Im not asking for comments on my fics but I know other writers do reply comments so if you’re hesitating to comment on their fics, don’t hehe
> 
> The reason I haven’t replied comments is that I was going for a pretty accelerated posting schedule with this fic - i spent 2 months finishing milk toast although it was only 17k words; it was the longest time I’d ever taken to write a fic in my life and tbh it was pretty draining [though it wasn’t bc of replying comments but I was just writing ridiculously slowly] so I wanted to try not to take as long for this one. Not sure if I’ll succeed but I’ll try my best lol I really don’t want this to take 2 months ;;
> 
> Last but not least I want to specially mention my dear friend aries_amethyst who has been tirelessly commenting on every chap - I really really appreciate the thought although you honestly don’t have to I would have been more than grateful for just one single comment at the end cries
> 
> omg this note is almost as long as the update… I love you all ESP if you read this whole wall and hope you’re not getting too bad secondhand embarrassment from my cringiness if you read all of this rofl. Remember to stay healthy and safe.


	7. Chapter 7

‘Remember Shin Ryujin and Chou Tzuyu?’

Jaemin startled him at the end of their meeting by bringing this up out of the blue. Of course Jeno remembered the two girls in their class Jaemin and Sicheng talked about most. He himself hadn’t mentioned any particular girl more than the others, but the boys always teased him about being more popular with their crushes—and girls in general—than them. It was true the girls tended to be more comfortable with Jeno for some reason—maybe because he was more relaxed than nervous around them—and another female classmate the three of them had done a group project with, Yeeun, had been especially friendly with him too.

Presently he asked why Jaemin brought the names up.

‘Well, I stumbled across Ryujin’s Instagram some time back. She’s a shopping mall model now and her feed had a pretty aesthetic vibe so I followed her; the next day she followed back. I think she remembers me. Isn’t that cool? I never slid into her DMs or anything though.’

‘Oh. Cool,’ Jeno echoed. He didn’t know Jaemin had reconnected with any other of their classmates.

He changed the subject to tell Jaemin about Sicheng’s reply to the email Jaemin had suggested he send a couple weeks ago. He told Jeno there wasn’t a need to start a new group chat just for him since the two of them were already in contact of their own—maybe he was shy—as he would be visiting Seoul soon anyway and could meet them in person then. He seemed really happy for them that they’d reunited.

‘I’ll forward you his social media handles later,’ Jeno mumbled to Jaemin’s delight.

They walked to where his bike was parked in comfortable silence. The distance between them so small their hands brushed a few times until Jaemin shoved his into his pockets.

‘The last year sucked without you,’ Jeno abruptly blurted, a confession he never intended to make until it tripped off his tongue. It was the truth though—Jeno hadn’t fully appreciated just how much the reason he liked going to school was because of his wildcard of a friend and his outrageous exploits, until his absence gaped like an origami paper cut-out.

Jaemin’s hands fell out of his pockets as he turned to look at Jeno’s face. Jeno continued walking without meeting his gaze, but then Jaemin surprised him with an admission of his own.

‘Same.’ His voice was almost too low to decipher in the slightly chilly breeze. He was looking down as they approached the motorbike and Jeno easily handed over the spare helmet Jaemin had used so many times Jeno subconsciously saw as his by now. ‘That year was also a dud for me. I wished I fought my parents harder about the transfer.’

Jeno met his eyes under the helmet Jaemin could now wear expertly, unable to quite hide the mild pang around his sternum.

‘It’s okay,’ he heard himself say softly. ‘It was just one year. At least we met again.’ Then he winced about how sappy he sounded, but his words seemed to cheer Jaemin who slid onto the seat behind him with a smile Jeno couldn’t see but could somehow feel.

‘You’re right,’ he whispered in Jeno’s ear as he revved the engine to life, and Jeno resisted the urge to shiver. ‘I like to think...’ Jaemin went on, not noticing, ‘we would’ve somehow met anyway, even if not outside that bar. Maybe on a bus, or in a crowd, or a coffee shop when the barista called out your name. I’d recognise that name anywhere.’ His tone was teasing and so affectionate Jeno’s heart caught again and he was glad his expression couldn’t be seen.

He heard Jaemin whisper a conclusion, something cheesy about _destiny_ that was drowned out beneath the roar of the motor as Jeno sped up too fast making the arms around his waist tighten. Jeno laughed and at a traffic light thought about the boy at his back, his silly little affectedly twee gestures and frank yet understated ways of expressing affection. He remembered that afternoon Jeno had returned to their empty classroom after club activities to collect his bag and found Jaemin waiting for him to go home together, unexpectedly. He was fast asleep sitting at Jeno’s desk with his head pillowed sideways on Jeno’s ragged duffel. When he was near enough to notice the length of Jaemin’s eyelashes, Jeno had hesitated and stared greedily, taking a mental snapshot with the shutter of his mind before reaching to shake his friend awake brusquely. The ferocity of the ache inside him felt like the bottom had dropped out from his world.

 _This time_ … he thought as they waved goodbye gruffly to each other outside Jaemin’s house, with the slight reluctance that was getting more and more palpable with every meeting.

This time around, he would be satisfied with friendship.

* * *

Or so he assumed. That was the problem—he was always overestimating himself and his willpower.

He would be jerking off in the shower—a totally normal part of being a healthy 21-year-old guy—and images would flash into his mind’s eye, unbidden and unwelcome. The inscrutable looks he sometimes caught Jaemin sneaking when he thought Jeno wasn’t aware. The gravelly almost-bass of his voice, especially over the phone. The way he sometimes reached down to squeeze Jeno’s thigh absently when he was laughing at a joke; sometimes lingered his fingers on his knuckles in a caress. How Jaemin popped his gum and bit and licked his lips, each one of these actions drawing Jeno’s base attention to the mouth he was convinced Jaemin had started applying chapstick to because Jeno couldn’t remember those chapped lips ever looking so soft and kissable.

His mind infrequently flitted back to the offer Jaemin had made. His body; his heart. He would most likely be the first guy Jaemin ever slept with. Thinking of how inexperienced and bashful he would be as Jeno broke him in... his polluted daydreams were enough to make him wild.

Establishing boundaries between them was like drawing lines in the sand. At the next minute, the tide came and eroded it all away.

It happened overnight. One morning he woke up and the world just seemed different. Perhaps, without him knowing, some part of himself had already admitted that the pull towards this boy was something time had neither changed nor diminished. A pull of such force he’d only ever felt towards one person, and was still waiting for someone else, anyone, to be able to make him feel too.

How naive, to think that he would ever be able to see Jaemin as only a friend.

Due to his own arrogance, Jeno was, once more, half in love before he knew it.

* * *

He was in Donghyuck’s house, sitting on the couch while Donghyuck rummaged in the kitchen when Jeno felt something sharp and small on the cushion. Looking down, the pink diamond embedded in silver caught the light and his world tilted on its axis.

‘This earring...’ He spoke as calmly as he could when Donghyuck returned bearing refreshments. He looked over to the stud nestled in Jeno’s palm, and squinted.

‘Isn’t it Jaemin’s?’ Jeno prompted through gritted teeth when Donghyuck didn’t say more.

‘Oh, is it?’ Donghyuck seemed unconcerned, tossing a peanut into his mouth. ‘I thought it was—‘ he paused, looking sheepish. ‘—uh, I thought it was a girl’s.’

He held his hand out expectantly for the piece of jewellery, as if it would be totally natural for Jeno to give it back, totally natural for _Jaemin’s earring to be in his house_ ; and Jeno snapped.

‘Jeno. Hey! I can explain.’ His best bud appeared to have realised how his words sounded, but Jeno was already in the doorway with his bag carelessly flung over his shoulder, blood rushing past his ears, mumbling that he didn't want to hear it.

In the elevator of the building he looked down and found the earring still in his white-knuckled grip, the pain of the sharp end digging into his finger making him hiss. His phone vibrated in his pocket, but he meant it. He was too afraid to hear the explanation. Maybe he could block Donghyuck’s contact without reading the message.

When he moved into the apartment, Donghyuck told Jeno he persuaded his parents to rent it and let him live alone because he wanted to score with girls through their college life and finally lose his virginity. Jeno recalled a day the previous week when he had taken the initiative to ask Jaemin on a study date for the first time, but received a disappointing reply that he wasn’t free. He texted Donghyuck next and received the same response. Eventually he had no other option but to go to the library with his sister. He didn’t think much of it then, but what if…

Donghyuck and Jaemin’s thing, whatever it was—it'd been a lark before, but suddenly it bothered Jeno a hell of a lot.

The last time he saw Jaemin wearing the earrings was the day at the cafe when he told Jeno they already met once. So they _had_ met again, in Donghyuck’s apartment, keeping Jeno in the dark.

And the worst part was that he had no right to feel upset, because he was the one who pushed them into each other’s arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> spoiler - it’s a misunderstanding, nahyuck are just friends lmao. i didn’t mean to write a cliffhanger...
> 
> btw because i know some people might be curious, the manga which i said inspired part of the premise for this fic is titled junjou by fujiyama hyouta. not junjou romantica which it’s often confused with lol. if you ever check it out, do note the warnings its tagged with beforehand though. and don’t judge me if possible, the time when i enjoyed it was long ago when i was a teenager; when i tried rereading it again as an adult i couldn’t remember why i’d liked it.
> 
> also rest assured that this fic will not contain any problematic content :)


	8. Chapter 8

After he finally cooled down, Jeno screwed up the courage to force himself to open Donghyuck’s messages. Thankfully he hadn’t blocked him in a moment of rash impulse.

_Jeno-yah, you misunderstood. Jaemin came over just for a chat and he gave me advice on this girl I’m in a Some with. Sorry I didn’t tell you I started seeing someone, you’ve been so busy with him I didn’t want to bother you. He must have dropped the earring at my place by accident. You’ll help me return it, right? And reply this message so I know you haven’t blocked me, PLEASE_

Jeno couldn’t help but snort at how well he knew him as his heart, which had dropped at the words he scanned with bated breath, continued racing. Jaemin hadn’t done anything with Donghyuck. He was still single and available.

The relief that flooded his being compelled him to come to terms with the facts he had been running away from.

The tangible relief that came through Donghyuck’s instant reply when Jeno finally responded made him feel bad for jumping to conclusions anew but grateful he hadn’t done anything he’d regret now.

 _I’m your friend, not his_. Donghyuck’s simple reply elicited a lump in his throat. He’d known, of course, that neither Donghyuck nor Jaemin would have done anything like that to him, which was why he trusted them so implicitly this whole time.

Jeno apologised humbly to Donghyuck for the misunderstanding, but then felt trepidation creep in when he at last had to face up to what he must do next.

Come clean.

 _I can’t live without you_ , Jeno typed with trembling fingers into the box under his ongoing conversation with Jaemin, then backspaced it.

* * *

Neither Donghyuck nor Jeno said anything to Jaemin about the incident and every morning when Jeno woke up and saw the earring sitting on his nightstand, the niggling feeling of what he knew he was pushing back ate him.

Only a few days elapsed before Jaemin asked him on a study date, seeming to feel sorry about turning him down the last occasion. Jeno had spent the days pretending to be busy while trying not to be distant and hurt Jaemin’s feelings every time he texted, but meeting was a whole other beast. He couldn’t possibly do it when everything had changed. Not before saying the words.

So this time he declined citing the same lame excuse, and two weeks went by in this way. He missed Jaemin like a limb, like a part of his body. But he needed just a little while more to psyche himself up.

* * *

It was 1 am on a school night and raining when he received the unexpected message.

_Think I’m drunk. Can you come over_

Jaemin probably was, judging from the typos. Jeno cursed under his breath and threw on a jumper over his sleep shirt and his glasses to see in the dark, stumbling out of bed and trying not to wake his family as he left the house groggily and hailed a cab.

His head and shoulders were damp by the time he fumbled with his phone to dial Jaemin at his gate. It clicked open and Jeno glimpsed Jaemin weaving onto the front porch, still dry and definitely plastered. Jeno held out a hand and strode forward. Even just the sight of this person through his fogged-up glasses made his knees go weak, as if their time out from each other had been months and not weeks. He was so screwed.

He tried to hide how breathless he was as they reached each other, pushing back the wet hood of his hoodie. He didn’t expect what happened next. ‘Jeno-yahhh,’ Jaemin slurred, falling into his arms.

Despite his own jittery nerves, Jeno couldn’t help worrying why he was this inebriated. Jaemin didn’t even like drinking. He briefly panicked wondering if he could’ve found out what transpired, then dismissed it as Donghyuck had promised to keep mum. That couldn’t be it—so could other problems have cropped up for Jaemin in the period they’d been apart?

’Sorry for calling so late. I drunk-dialed. Or something.’ Jaemin’s mouth was suddenly at his throat, his breath hot and Jeno could barely catch what he said over the rush of his own pulse. He shifted the dead weight of him in his embrace and hoped he couldn’t feel the thudding of Jeno’s chest even through his thick clothes.

’Let’s go in,’ he hissed and manoeuvred them into the house, kicking the front door shut as gently as he could. Jaemin leaned heavily on his frame and Jeno gripped him tight, afraid he would fall as they quietly climbed the stairs.

When they entered Jaemin’s bedroom, he pushed Jeno to sit on the bed but sank down to the floor by the wall himself. Jaemin’s shoulders looked narrow in his rumpled sweatshirt, his expression uncharacteristically lost and vulnerable lowered to his arms folded over his raised knees. It pierced Jeno.

‘What’s wrong?’ He wanted to get on his knees and move closer but didn’t dare to. The air between them was unusually charged, crackling almost electric.

Jaemin lifted his head and ran a hand through his hair, then scrubbed it down his face. He pinned Jeno with a bleary gaze and wet his lips before speaking hoarsely.

‘Tell me. Am I cringy and obnoxious?’

‘Huh?’

’Will you beat me up if I ask?’

When Jeno just gaped incredulously, Jaemin dropped his head again and mumbled, ‘Ah, fuck.’

He dug the heel of his palm into his eyes, which were pink-rimmed but dry.

‘Did someone say something?’

Jaemin refocused in surprise at the tension in his voice.

‘No.’ He laughed bitterly, tone harsh as he clarified, ’Sometimes I just want to delete my existence from the planet. Some days I hate it so much I wanna punch myself. Don’t you know that feeling?’

 _All too well_ , Jeno thought but didn’t say, sinking his teeth into his lip. But Jaemin was loved by everyone. He was the last person Jeno would expect to feel this way.

Then he felt like an asshole, because who was he to call himself the person who loved Jaemin most when he didn’t even empathise with his need for comfort too. He should’ve been more sensitive and less self-absorbed, but at the time Jaemin needed him most Jeno had fucked up.

Jaemin seemed to have the weight of the world on his thin shoulders. This time, Jeno didn’t hesitate to get up from his bed and close the distance between them, kneeling in front of him.

Jaemin looked like he needed someone to hold him together, like he needed _Jeno_ , so Jeno reached out, easy as breathing, and wrapped awkward arms around him. Jaemin was shaking.

‘Calm down. Breathe.’ Jeno whispered by his ear, which was red. He’d barely ever seen Jaemin lose his composure like this.

Jaemin clenched a fist in the material of Jeno’s shirt and he reached down to unfurl it gently. Jaemin curled his fingers around Jeno’s instead, clutching his hand like a lifebuoy.

‘I really needed you.’ His voice was rough.

Jeno’s lips brushed over his hair.

’I’m here now.’

The flattered warmth sinking around his diaphragm gave way to a dull ache as Jeno ran a soothing palm down his back. He couldn’t stomach the thought of Jaemin alone, Jaemin hurting, _Jaemin_.

His Jaemin.

* * *

Their bangs caught together when they disentangled, avoiding eye contact, suddenly uncomfortably close.

‘I’m so sorry,’ Jaemin said yet again, standing on ceremony in a way that was starting to chafe. He seemed to have come to his senses a little. ’Oh my god. I bet you have a morning class.’

‘It’s fine. Nothing I can’t skip.’

Jaemin groaned despite his reassurance and without warning, hit the back of his head against the wall. ‘I’m really the worst.’

Before he knew what he was doing, Jeno was leaning into Jaemin’s personal space again and cradling his head with his hand.

‘Don’t hurt yourself.’

There was only a hair’s breath between them. So near Jeno could smell the alcoholic sweetness. Jaemin’s eyes were dark and searching and his throat moved as he swallowed.

Their eyes clicked together and Jeno blurted, ‘Your best… that’s all you can do.’ Jaemin’s lashes fluttered, long against his cheekbones. ‘It’s what you always do,’ Jeno finished, mouth dry.

‘Don’t be too gentle to me.’ Jeno’s head snapped up from where he’d let go of Jaemin and started to look down.

‘You’re so nice.’ Jaemin was regarding him through hooded eyes, voice breathy.

‘I’m not.’ Jeno shuffled backwards, feeling his ears burning up too. He remembered that he didn’t have the excuse of being intoxicated.

‘Liar.’ Jaemin’s silvery laugh somehow defused the thickness between them instantly. His next words were soft as a caress.

‘I know you better than anybody else. Don’t ever forget that.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It seems that I had created some confusion abt -how much- of this fic is inspired by a manga and im here to clear it! :)
> 
> The following paragraph is a cliffnotes summary of the manga plot so if u were going to read it and don’t want spoilers you can just skip to the next passage -
> 
> tozaki and kurata are classmates or schoolmates in HS [I forgot which lmao] who aren’t rly close and tozaki is gay while kurata is straight, so t has a crush and is always watching k. One day k is gonna transfer out of school and he doesn’t tell anybody except t. Fast forward 10 yrs and at 28 they meet again due to their companies working together, k tells t he guessed his feelings back then, and they have a one night stand which becomes a sex friends relationship. K starts to get jealous of t’s senpai and later on a colleague who is interested in t. This is when the problematic stuff happens and I think they officially get together after a fight, im honestly just recalling all this from very old memories lol. The rest of the story is I think this subplot abt k’s sob story about how his mother abandoned him which was supposed to justify what he did [which is just… idk what to say]
> 
> Anyway as you can see, the only plot point I was inspired by was the beginning premise of them reuniting after unconfessed feelings in hs. It was a small plot point but nevertheless I was inspired so I wanted to acknowledge it. The rest of my story is entirely my idea and in fact I worked hard on the details of every scene, dialogue and interaction bc I wanted to build up their relationship in an organic and heart-fluttering way [whether I succeeded is another matter lol]. I tried to think of original and refreshing ideas and not to be derivative or similar to anything else I’d read, seen or written before. While the couple in the manga got together immediately, I was going for a v different dynamic. So this may be silly, but I didn’t want people to think I was just taking a plot wholesale from a manga haha. I specified the title bc I know there might be some otakus [lol] who would be interested in reading it, if you don’t mind the whole squicky aspect… though the plot is ultimately very different from mine, the vibes of high school and first love etc are probably similar. I also wanted to make it clear that since I was only inspired by that one small plot point and my story isnt based on or related to the manga in any other way, readers don’t have to worry that there will be any of that kind of problematic content in mine [I would never, ever write anything like that anyway] so yes! thank you for reading my pointless and random tl;dr ted talk again, I do feel better that it’s all clarified :)
> 
> On a less serious note, recently I realised that the song closer by the chainsmokers and halsey could be a theme song for this fic, who agrees haha
> 
> As always, my whole heart belongs to the no. 1 supporter of this fic, queen aries_amethyst. Im seriously sorry that my author’s notes are constantly so long and readers who read them have to spend extra additional time reading stuff they may not care for in the first place... I know people click in to read a fanfic and not my rambling lmao. Until the final chapter, I will try to keep any more notes that I may have short,,
> 
> Lastly, the getting together will most likely be in the next chapter or latest following one [depending on the length of the update] and after that there will be a few chaps of their established relationship before the fic finally ends hehe


	9. Chapter 9

‘Is that all I can do? Get helplessly angry and frustrated with myself?’

They were now sitting on Jaemin’s bed, as far away as they could without falling off, not looking at each other. Jaemin’s voice filled the space between them in the dark hushed room. Outside the window, the rain was still going.

‘No,’ Jeno replied firmly. ‘When you need someone—you call me. No matter what time it is.’

Then he itched with embarrassment, expecting to be taunted, but Jeno felt responsibility. The responsibility of being one of the few people who knew that behind Jaemin’s braggadocio and insouciance, he thought and felt deeply. Few saw that side of him since he was always goofing off and dicking around, refusing to wear his heart on his sleeve, but Jeno knew he cared a lot. He knew only because Jaemin had shown him that part—all the parts—of himself, because Jeno was one of the handful of people he trusted.

Although Jaemin hardly said it, Jeno was aware he relied on him more than he would ever spell out. And he’d always taken pride in being Jaemin’s rock.

He knew Jaemin had no one else, really. That neither of them really had anyone besides each other. So Jeno felt bad for being absent, no matter how briefly.

’Fuck,’ Jaemin muttered under his breath again, lost in his own churning thoughts. ‘I’m a hot mess.’

Before he could apologise a third time, Jeno spoke up first.

’Nana.’ The nickname, which slipped out unconsciously, made Jaemin swivel to stare. The last time Jeno had called him that was years ago.

He felt his face colour, relieved for the dark, and cleared his throat shiftily before finishing his sentence.

‘I’m always in your corner.’

Jaemin seemed stunned into silence as he carefully took the words in. The heat was now blooming high behind Jeno’s skin, but he didn’t regret when Jaemin shifted across the distance between them so in the moonlight filtering through the curtains Jeno could see that brilliant, pristine smile finally breaking up the pensiveness. Like a rainbow coming out after the storm.

 _Keep me honest_. Jaemin’s eyes were shiny as he whispered this without explaining.

The downpour had faded to a drizzle but not stopped, so Jaemin murmured, ’Stay until morning.’

‘Okay.’ Jeno only hesitated a beat. They fell asleep on their opposite ends of the bed, backs towards each other. The last thing Jeno heard besides the muffled falling outside, was Jaemin’s even breathing.

* * *

_Jaemin’s leaving_.

Jeno received this headless and tailless message another night a week later—a week in which he had neither contacted Jaemin nor been contacted. Maybe technically it was his turn to reach out; maybe Jaemin was still feeling bad for the nighttime call, but the intimacy they unexpectedly shared had wigged Jeno out even more.

He _had_ been going to make the leap and text today, though.

Unfortunately, Donghyuck’s message came before he could. Why on earth was Jaemin at his place again anyway, at this hour?

Jeno raced there on his bike, frosty wind whipping him numb. Though he knew it was probably another stupid misunderstanding, he couldn’t repress the cold clench the words had arose in him.

What would he do if one day Jaemin went missing—disappeared from Jeno’s life once more?

* * *

‘Hyuck,’ he intoned when his friend opened his apartment door. ‘The hell?’

Donghyuck raised his hands defensively. ‘I wasn’t lying; he’s trying to leave while drunk and I couldn’t stop him.’

Drunk? Again?

Donghyuck misinterpreted his groan. ‘Hey, excuse my text for not being hundred percent coherent when I’m tipsy too.’

Jeno restrained his annoyance; their friend had no idea Jaemin had just drank so recently. ‘Donghyuck, I swear—‘

‘Jeno.’ Donghyuck’s steady voice stopped Jeno, eyes remarkably sober. ‘As much as watching you guys is more entertaining than any drama… you deserve to be happy. You both do.’

An awkward silence fell. Then Donghyuck reached out to clap a hand on Jeno’s shoulder.

‘Stop dancing around each other.’

Stupefied, Jeno watched him zip his windbreaker, make his way to the house entrance and toe on his shoes. ‘Besides,’ Donghyuck threw over his shoulder, ‘ _I’m_ your best friend, and nobody’s allowed to take my place. Not even Jaemin.’

‘Where are you going,’ Jeno called, rubbing his neck discombobulatedly. ‘You can’t walk around alone drunk.’

Donghyuck laughed in delight. ‘Relax, I’m barely tipsy. And someone's coming to pick me up.’

On cue, the doorbell rang and a sweet voice faintly called, ‘Oppa!’

Donghyuck hustled out the door, leaving Jeno alone to find Jaemin.

He discovered him sitting in Donghyuck’s bed with his arms wrapped around drawn up legs, bucket hat pulled low over his eyes. He wasn’t even lying down or anything, and it was their friend—but despite himself, the sight of Jaemin flushed and disheveled in another guy’s rumpled bed made Jeno’s dormant jealousies flare. Maybe it wouldn’t be abnormal for another person, but Jaemin who didn’t even enjoy alcohol, trying to get himself smashed twice in a week—Jeno couldn’t help but worry this time.

Jaemin looked up at his footsteps and bewilderment crossed his face followed by an emotion Jeno couldn’t read as he seemed to rearrange his expression. He must have been expecting Donghyuck; it only irked Jeno more to contemplate the possibility Donghyuck hadn’t called him and instead asked Jaemin to sleep over.

‘Don’t get drunk in another man’s house.’

Jaemin blinked at the words which slipped from Jeno in a territorial tone, which surprised himself too. Embarrassment and panic bubbled as Jaemin’s eyes honed in, abruptly alert. But Jaemin had promised to call him, to come to him from now on if he had anything to talk about. They’d probably only started drinking after talking, but Jeno had told Jaemin just a few days ago to come to _him_ and not any other person.

‘I’m the one you like, right?’ Jeno heard himself saying.

Jaemin looked like a deer in headlights. The mixture of confusion and pained hope in his widened eyes was almost too much to bear.

Then he shook his head as if dislodging the hope, and Jeno gripped the doorframe, hovering on the threshold as if rooted to the ground.

‘It’s not like you care.’ The belligerence in Jaemin’s tone caught him off guard, punctuated with that same humourless laugh. The tiredness in his slump as he took off the stupid hat wrung Jeno’s heart.

‘Dumbass.’ He didn’t mean to lash out. ‘Would I be here if I didn’t?’

Jeno took a deep breath and gathered his wits, trying not to look at the hurt in Jaemin’s eyes battling with another, softer emotion.

It was clear by now that no matter how unprepared he was, today was D-Day. Donghyuck’s home wasn’t really his ideal location to confess, but to hell with all that. It was his own fault for dragging his feet. And suddenly—suddenly, Jeno was expiring to say the words. He had to.

But first things first. Jeno took a couple of steps, stopping when he felt Jaemin’s eyes on his advance.

‘Can you tell me why you’ve been feeling… this way? I thought we already talked it over.’ He spoke up softly after swallowing his spit.

Jaemin lifted one shoulder in a halfhearted shrug, raising his eyes to the ceiling. Looking mortified for some reason.

‘Felt like you were drifting away from me,’ he said in a small voice. To Jeno’s horror, he dashed a rough hand across his eyes. When their gazes locked, Jaemin’s was misty but defiant. ‘I didn’t want you to find out how needy I was, but… now you know. Dammit.’ Jaemin tightened his arms around his shins, hugging himself. He looked a wreck, and not in the way Jeno wished to make him.

Jeno crossed the remaining space between them in three strides, and wrenched Jaemin into his arms.

He heard Jaemin’s gasp beside his ear, then a shaky laugh.

‘Jeez, easy. I’m a bit nauseous.’

’Sorry, sorry.’ Jeno released him, contrite, but Jaemin grabbed on to his elbow with his surprisingly strong grip and dragged him to sit.

‘No, it’s fine. Just—lend me your shoulder?’

‘Of course.’

The hair at the back of Jaemin’s head was soft threaded between Jeno’s fingers again, and his flyaway bangs tickled the crook of Jeno’s neck. Jaemin nestled closer still with a sigh, as though he had been craving contact.

His voice was muffled by Jeno’s shirt when he whispered.

‘I thought you were losing interest in me, getting bored.’

Jeno felt stricken, struggling to school his expression before facing him. He had been ready to fight whoever was making Jaemin sad—not realising it was none other than himself.

How callous of him.

* * *

‘Guess I really do need you,’ Jaemin said after they let go of each other stiffly, the wonder in his voice making it sound like a revelation.

 _Take me. All of me_. The words trembled on Jeno’s tongue.

‘You’re like a knight in shining armour,’ Jaemin quipped out of the blue with his toothy grin, breaking up the tension. ‘You always come running.’

‘Told you I would,’ Jeno retorted lightly, relieved yet disarmed by the teasing, questioning lilt in the statement.

The hungry and cautious look in Jaemin’s eyes made his skin tingle in the places their bodies had touched. Jeno could still hear the fire in Jaemin’s voice as he admitted his insecurity, as if—as if just like Jeno, he couldn’t stand the fact that Jeno was the only one who could get under his skin.

And he finally understood.

He’d been a coward, passive, pedantic, _selfish_ , stubborn as hell. But even so—

Even so, he was still as important to Jaemin as Jaemin was to him.

And Jeno was still incorrigibly in love with him.


	10. Chapter 10

‘I have to tell you something,’ Jeno blurted abruptly. Jaemin’s smile froze on his face and he blinked.

‘Yeah? Shoot.’

Jaemin shifted in his cross-legged position on the bed. His eyes were now serious, trained on Jeno and Jeno was a fucking bundle of nerves, his palms cold and clammy. Shit.

He cleared his throat, staring down at the bedspread. ‘I lied.’

‘… About?’

‘I still…’ Jeno struggled to squeeze the words out. ‘I still like you. All along. I…’ He wasn’t making any sense. The confession he’d rasped out hung suspended in the air between them, now thick enough to cut with a knife.

Jaemin waited so long to respond he almost ran out of the room. But his response finally came, like mercy.

‘I’m sober enough to remember this later, you know.’ Jaemin’s voice was deep, and trembling.

Jeno’s knees would have buckled had he been standing. He still didn’t dare look up, but could feel Jaemin’s gaze searing holes into the crown of his head.

‘I know,’ Jeno whispered.

Jaemin cleared his throat too.

‘Are you saying… you’re willing to date me?’ He sounded both desperate and terrified to hear the answer.

‘If you’ll have me,’ was all Jeno could say quietly. His heart dropped as it prayed he wasn’t wrong that Jaemin’s feelings hadn’t changed.

* * *

There was a lifetime of silence. Then—

‘I knew it,’ Jaemin crowed and Jeno resumed breathing. The amazed wonder in Jaemin’s voice, as if he couldn’t quite believe this wasn’t his drunken imagination, made a lump lodge in Jeno’s throat. ‘I nearly gave up,’ Jaemin breathed, barely audible.

‘I was scared.’ It came out in a whimper, and humiliation burned Jeno but Jaemin’s reassurance came instantly, soothing fingers playing over the inside of his arm like he could mind-read.

‘I know.’ Jeno could drown in his voice, unsteady but soft as feathers. ‘Let’s communicate better from now on, okay?’

He could only nod as if hypnotised, gulping to moisten his parched mouth to no avail. The pure relief emanating palpably from Jaemin tugged a chord deep inside him.

‘Does this mean I can kiss you now?’

Jaemin still sounded breathless with shock, urgent as if needing physical confirmation.

It felt like the most obvious thing in the world for Jeno to nod his head, making a low noise of encouragement.

That was all the approval Jaemin needed. He crawled across the little space left between them, and Jeno finally met his intense stare. Jaemin clumsily reached to take off the glasses Jeno was wearing again today. Then he grabbed the front of Jeno’s shirt to tug him forward and touched his lips to his jaw. Jaemin placed kisses closer and closer, as though giving Jeno time to change his mind, until he arrived at the corner of Jeno’s lips. Jeno’s eyes fluttered closed as Jaemin pressed their mouths together.

He tasted like the lemonade-flavoured beer Donghyuck stocked in his fridge. His mouth was soft and sweet, hesitant and gentle. So this was how he kissed, Jeno thought, naturally tilting his head for a more comfortable angle. It was even better than his wildest dreams.

Jaemin’s hands moved up to cradle his face, his rings cold against Jeno’s skin. He deepened the kiss meaningfully, in contrast from how his fingers had trembled as he relieved Jeno of his spectacles earlier. The pressure was filled with a yearning that made Jeno’s body dissolve and his chest pound shallowly as Jaemin tongued in.

Overwhelmed by his ardour, Jeno reluctantly broke the lip-lock, still unconsciously running his hands up and down Jaemin’s sides, over the sinew of his arms.

Panting, Jeno grasped Jaemin’s biceps even as his flush felt scorching. Jaemin’s already blown eyes glittered.

‘Tell me what you want.’ His command was like silk.

‘ _More_ ,’ Jeno breathed, eyes on Jaemin’s abused lips and heart on his sleeve.

Unexpectedly, Jaemin tapped his thigh, forcing Jeno to meet his look.

‘It’s your turn.’ Jeno drew a sharp breath. ‘Kiss me properly,’ Jaemin demanded.

* * *

Jeno cupped his cheek and a shiver ran up his spine at the way Jaemin leaned into his touch, half-lidded eyes filling with want. Jaemin arched forward impatiently, breath already ghosting over Jeno’s. Jeno trailed a tremulous finger down the smooth, warm and flushed skin of his jaw before he took Jaemin’s chin and leaned in with an inhale.

He tried to keep this one chaste, but Jaemin swiped his tongue over Jeno’s mouth and it fell open without resistance. He couldn’t help but be conscious of where they were, not just in his friend’s house but his bed, somehow feeling like Donghyuck was watching though he was absent. But all thoughts flew out his head when a hand slipped under his shirt and up, over his ribs, dangerously close to his pounding heartbeat.

Jeno grabbed Jaemin’s wandering hand and removed it, settling his own grip on Jaemin’s hips to try and take some semblance of control. Undeterred, Jaemin slipped both arms around Jeno’s neck instead.

When they pulled away the second time, he chased Jeno’s lips with his brow faintly furrowed the way it got when he concentrated on something. He looked dazed, his touches lingering on Jeno’s skin like fire. All of his senses were saturated with _Jaemin, Jaemin, Jaemin_ in a way Jeno had never felt like anyone else’s real estate.

Jaemin finally seemed satisfied, as if he had sufficient proof this was real. He simply held on to Jeno’s hands in his lap, grasp loose and contented. The happy, sweet smile he appeared unable to wipe off his face made Jeno’s soul sing.

He couldn’t help indulging himself and reaching out with both arms. Jaemin snuggled readily up, smile widening into a blissful grin.

 _His baby_.

* * *

He had been trying to unlove this person for what felt an eon now. Giving in, allowing himself to be worn down at last, felt good.

Once upon a time, Jeno thought this with unbridled passion—that if he could be permitted to love this friend, he would be so, so tender like no one else in his cherishment. And yet, even at that point, he had still been too childish to fully understand what love was, hadn’t he?

Not that he claimed to know it all now—but puppy love had matured into something deeper, realer. Officially being together, as a couple, felt possible and realistic instead of just a fantasy.

It was far from easy to upgrade their relationship from platonic brotherhood, but it was this singular longing that persisted even after these years, this almost magnetic attraction, that gave him strength—and no other alternative, really.

So, screwing up the guts to spit it out had been hard as fuck—but falling for Na Jaemin all over again was the easiest thing Jeno had ever done.

* * *

‘So… is there a reason you like me so much? Besides my dashing good looks, I mean.’

It was something Jeno would never have expected to hear himself shamelessly asking, but despite himself, a small voice at the back of his mind refused to shut up.

If Jaemin never accidentally found out about Jeno’s feelings… would he still have developed attraction to Jeno when they met again?

Jaemin gawked at him, caught off guard, then burst into his easy laughter. Jeno dodged the direct gaze which seemed to read him and his myriad dumb notions like an open book.

 _I know you better than anybody else. Don’t ever forget that_.

Jeno hadn’t forgotten.

Jaemin sounded tender and honest when he spoke up, though.

‘Well… we have a lot of fun together. I laugh and smile the most when I’m with you.’ He paused, looking adorably uncertain. ‘Is it not the same for you?’

‘It is,’ Jeno was quick to reassure. He was so whipped.

Once he had wondered what it would be like, to be loved by someone with so much to give.

Jaemin could have anyone he wanted. And he deserved only the very best. But was Jeno really the best he could get? Was he good enough?

It didn’t feel right for him to monopolise Jaemin, who shined so brightly sometimes Jeno thought he might get burned like Icarus flying too close to the sun. But Jaemin had said Jeno—nondescript, imperfect Jeno—was what he wanted, _who_ he wanted, so…

Jeno wouldn’t hold back anymore. Because what _he_ wanted above everything was to make Jaemin happy.

‘Let’s never lose each other again.’ Jaemin murmured this as though tapping effortlessly into his brainwaves once more.

Jeno smiled readily. _Agreed_.

* * *

‘My feelings for you… they aren’t just casual. I’ll prove it.’

’There’s no need to.’

‘…?’

‘I didn’t mean to make light of your feelings. But… I was condescending, wasn’t I?’

‘… It’s okay. I shouldn’t have played games too.’

‘It was my fault—‘

‘Should we promise to be honest with each other about everything in future?’

‘…’

‘…’

‘… Pinky promise.’

* * *

The reminder of Jaemin’s everlasting patience and indulgence, how long he waited for Jeno to come around, made him doubly determined to make it up to his… boyfriend. At the same time, Jeno instinctively knew that between them there wasn’t any such thing as calculating; keeping track of who gave more, who sacrificed more.

‘I’m sorry,’ he simply said; it was all he could do. ‘Liking you… I never stopped or doubted it. I just—wasn’t ready.’

His smile was so bright and soft. Like sunlight.

Jaemin placed a hand on his knee, and suddenly there was a frog in Jeno’s throat.

‘I understand. I’m just thankful we finally reached each other.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took a bit longer than usual, i’ve been kinda burnt out [yes, again lol im Useless] and needed to take a little breather,,
> 
> idk if anybody was wondering abt why renjun, chenle and jisung arent in this fic lmao its bc i already mentioned them briefly in milk toast, so if they appeared here again they would be turning up twice in the verse. but tbh a few chapters in i realised i prolly should have just replicated at least rj’s character the way i did haechan’s, bc im a sucker for norenmin ot3 and 00line ot4 - not that i regretted using sicheng or anything, i was just amused when it occured to me how different the vibe would’ve been if i wrote renjun or even chenle in his place haha. just some more fun trivia abt this verse ;3


	11. Chapter 11

‘Aw, I won’t break your heart.’ Jaemin lightened the mood effortlessly, pinching Jeno’s cheek like he was cute. That indulgent smile he only showed Jeno was back on his face. ‘I’ll treat you right.’

‘I know you will,’ Jeno scoffed, slapping his hand away to hide his embarrassment. ‘Idiot.’

Na Jaemin, his first love, Jeno thought for the first time without any bittersweetness. He’d never fallen out of love, and maybe he wouldn’t ever.

When Jaemin sauntered back into his life with his broad smile and infuriating irresistibility, offering Jeno everything he’d ever wanted, Jeno had worried he didn’t know how to be loved by someone so gentle. But for Jaemin, he would try. Because he was worth it. And this time, Jeno wouldn’t let go.

‘So.’ Jaemin was thrumming with excitement as though he’d drank a gallon of coffee. He unlocked his phone and opened the calendar app. ’When are we going on our first date?’

* * *

Jeno finally returned him the earring he’d been carrying around in his wallet the past week before he left the house. Donghyuck returned a few hours later with a takeaway container of hangover soup for Jaemin and raised his brows when Jeno told him he was going home and Jaemin was going to impose on him until morning, though he said nothing.

Jeno kissed Jaemin’s forehead after tucking him into the guest room bed, slipping him the pink stud.

Jaemin gasped. ‘Why do you have this? I was looking all over; thought I lost it at school.’

Jeno laughed, mildly apologetic for not returning it earlier. ‘It’s a long story.’

* * *

Donghyuck didn’t waste any time, telling Jeno they should both come to an open mic night his band was playing at the following week. He delivered the invitation complete with eyebrow wag—yep, he’d definitely been spending too much time around Jeno’s boyfriend. He’d been gloating and teasing even more insufferably since he learned they’d gotten together, and Jeno and Jaemin wouldn’t have turned up if not for wanting to see the girl Donghyuck had started dating and gather teasing ammunition of their own.

So that was their first date. For obvious reasons, Jeno wanted to go somewhere without a trace of Donghyuck’s presence for their second. They were meeting doubly often now, texting and calling daily, and it was difficult to pay attention to his life outside of Jaemin, to remember he had one.

‘Hello,’ Jaemin purred when they met breathlessly, immediately planting one on Jeno’s lips after glancing to check the coast was clear. He looked so pleased to see Jeno despite the fact they’d chatted for two hours last night, neither willing to be the first to hang up the phone.

Jaemin didn’t even bother to hide his blatant eye-fucking each time they met now, Jeno usually first to look away. Instead of a regular one, they visited a cat cafe today—one that seemed more ethical than the rest and took care of the animals instead of just treating them as dolls to be petted by dozens of hands daily.

All the cats were beautiful—but none prettier than Jaemin.

Jaemin yanked him into the nearest alley and backed him against the wall once they left.

‘You looked so god damn cute with those kittens.’ His voice was husky. He ran fingers down Jeno’s long sleeves. ‘There’s fur all over you. God.’

‘Do you have a kink I should know about?’ Jeno joked with a nervous laugh that dried up when Jaemin slid a thigh between his, hands on Jeno’s shoulders pinning him to the brick wall. It was cold out and the alley wasn’t the most sanitary place but Jeno couldn’t see anything except Jaemin.

Naturally, most of their time since they started dating had been spent making out. No matter how many times their lips touched, Jaemin’s always felt brand new, like uncharted territory.

Now, he gently unhooked the cloth mask Jeno was wearing for his allergies and stuffed it in his pocket. Jeno exhaled shakily, breath fogging up between them.

Jaemin pushed up his sleeves to his elbows, then brought Jeno’s left hand to his cold lips which Jeno immediately longed to warm up. Jaemin kissed his knuckles, the inside of his palm. Then he dropped Jeno’s hand and caressed his cheek with his own knuckles.

Jaemin looked him in the eye before he leaned in. Jeno enjoyed kissing him deep and slow, hand on the back of Jaemin’s head and tugging a little at his hair, blunt nails gentle on his scalp. Other hand slipping to Jaemin’s waist, an anchor, as he savoured the skilled slide of tongue he’d grown accustomed to by now. Jaemin liked slightly more action.

He crowded Jeno further against the wall. Jeno loved when Jaemin showed his coarse side, one he didn’t reveal to many behind the angelic, genteel exterior. It was hugely arousing. Jaemin kissed the mole by his eye tenderly, then found his mouth with a sigh. Light pecks grew increasingly heated. Jeno tried to keep this one close-mouthed for as long as he could. When Jaemin backed off with a lewd popping noise, Jeno gulped down air and dragged his tongue over where Jaemin had nipped the corner of his mouth mischievously. Jaemin’s eyes dropped to his mouth, which he attacked again bruisingly.

* * *

A few days ago, Jeno went to his house after school for a not-date and they watched soccer on the couch. Jaemin insisted on sitting between Jeno’s spread legs and somehow it was more comfortable than Jeno expected, so much that he started toying with the drawstrings of Jaemin’s sweats absently. Every time a goal was scored onscreen, Jaemin shifted and inadvertently grinded his ass against Jeno’s crotch.

Jeno knew he wasn’t teasing on purpose, but he was very naturally getting the slightest bit hard and it would be awkward to explain if Jaemin felt it. Every time he tried to move backward and put a little space between them though, Jaemin just scooted in closer. He couldn’t possibly not feel Jeno’s semi by then.

He was about to make some excuse to completely move away when Jaemin asked without turning, ‘Hungry?’

‘No,’ Jeno replied, confused.

‘Sure?’ Jaemin rubbed against his clothed dick again, fucking _playfully_ , and before Jeno could apprehend the situation, pivoted in one smooth move, swinging his legs over Jeno’s hips, straddling his lap as if this wasn’t the first time.

‘Jaemin,’ Jeno choked as his dick was palmed and squeezed roughly. His whole body responding. ‘ _Jaeminie_.’

Jaemin got him off one-handed, while kissing him, then gave Jeno a change of clothes when he came in his own. When Jeno returned to the living room, clutching his balled up pants with ears burning, Jaemin was sitting with a diabolical smirk on his face and legs crossed, pretending to watch the game.

Jeno walked over and bent to brush the back of his hand over Jaemin’s crotch. The pained gasp he let slip, the unmistakable stiffness tenting his pants, made heat lick through Jeno.

Trapping Jaemin against the back of the couch and returning the favour, Jeno couldn’t help feeling like this was exactly what Jaemin had planned.

* * *

He had been pushing to move to next base practically right after they got together, though confirming that he was Jaemin’s first male partner only made Jeno more determined to take it slow. He didn’t want to hurt him.

But with his boyfriend oozing pheromones nonstop, baiting and teasing him like this on the daily, he found himself accelerating to breakneck pace instead.

When Jaemin was sated, Jeno let him recline against his body once more like a chair. He ran compulsive hands up and down Jaemin’s wiry arms though the house was warm, played with his fingers until he had memorised the calluses. Soaking in his post-release afterglow. Jaemin seemed so happy, laughing with his mouth open. It went straight past Jeno’s defences. He was so unspoiled Jeno couldn’t help but hunger to corrupt him in the basest ways.

There was no trace of his previous circumspection—he had opened himself fully to Jeno, loving as generously as Jeno had expected.

Jeno wanted to show him how good it could be, between two guys.

It wasn’t just his competitive nature—he wanted to take care of Jaemin and make him cry Jeno’s name, in equal measure.

But with the way Jaemin was going on about how all his friends save him were ‘getting laid’, Jeno knew he would be worn down before too long.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shoutout to my guest reader Olivia who has gone to the trouble of leaving this fic a whopping 3 comments despite not having an account! love you! and of course, my queen AA
> 
> im hoping to get the next chap up quicker :)


	12. Chapter 12

With Jaemin being the dick tease he was, conniving to bait Jeno stupid, resistance was futile. Mutual masturbation through their clothes soon became jerking each other off without the layer of clothing; sloppy hand jobs escalated to blow jobs and frotting.

Jeno dimly realised the reason a part of him was afraid—what if Jaemin couldn’t get it up from being penetrated, or if it hurt too much? Of course Jeno wouldn’t mind taking the role of receiver if that was what Jaemin preferred; he hoped they’d be the kind of couple who were able to switch anyway—but the way Jaemin had explicitly asked Jeno to fuck him a handful of times by now indicated otherwise.

So Jeno admitted to himself that the fear of being unable to please Jaemin filled him with consternation. He really wished their bodies would be as compatible as their personalities.

* * *

The time came when they had their first lovers’ tiff. It was so dumb—over something so petty he couldn’t remember the issue by the time he got home, though there was no way he was going to apologise first when Jaemin had ignored him the whole way home. It was hot when his Leo side emerged, but not when it was directed at Jeno. And god knew they could push each other’s buttons like no one else.

Despite not currently being on speaking terms, they didn’t break their pre-arranged date—Jeno would’ve been beside himself if Jaemin cancelled or plain didn’t show up.

The relief that surged when he spied the familiar figure at their meeting place was enough to toss his dignity out the window. Jaemin’s arms were folded and his face blank; he silently took the helmet when Jeno silently passed it over.

It was the helmet which broke Jeno—the squirrel sticker on the corner Jaemin had affixed a while back, casually laying claim to it the way he had to almost everything else of Jeno’s.

He’d told Jeno in jest that no other person was allowed to use _his_ helmet—well, maybe only Donghyuck.

Presently, Jeno could feel himself melting without a chance like an iceberg in the Sahara. He sighed and prodded his sulky boyfriend.

‘Hey.’

‘What.’ Jaemin’s poker face wavered, still putting on a tough front.

Jeno bit back the fond smile threatening. He was too adorable, even when angry.

‘I’m sorry, okay?’ Jeno supplicated in an unintentionally whinging tone. He hoped he wouldn’t be forced to do aegyo.

Jaemin rolled his eyes and pouted, but the twitch of his mouth gave him away. It’d been barely days but Jeno missed that mouth already.

‘As you should be,’ Jaemin said haughtily, although he relented and climbed aboard the bike, backhugging Jeno cautiously. Jeno almost whipped around and ravaged him.

‘Nana.’ His voice was throaty.

‘What,’ Jaemin said again, though softer.

It was so unfair. Jeno wanted to fluster him too.

As if he’d dolled up to spite him, Jaemin looked devastating today, wearing a baseball cap and preppy chinos and—‘Is that my jacket?’

He lifted his chin in challenge as Jeno twisted around to see. He’d had to take off the cap for the helmet and his bangs were all tousled, post-coital like. Jeno swore it was all Jaemin’s fault his thoughts got more impure by the day.

‘So what if it is.’ Jaemin didn’t appear inclined to return the article of clothing anytime soon.

‘Nothing.’ Jeno faced front to hide his blush. ‘You look good in it.’

‘I look good in all your clothes.’ Jaemin’s smug voice seeped over his shoulders after a beat, now entirely warm. Jeno couldn’t argue.

* * *

When they reached the shopping mall where they were going to watch a movie, Jaemin cocked his head with the steady, bright, trust-filled gaze he reserved for Jeno.

‘I’m going to the restroom.’

‘Sure.’

‘Come with me.’ His voice was pitched low. Jeno’s heartrate quickened as he obeyed.

Jaemin slammed him against the closed door the moment they confirmed all the stalls were empty. They seldom did this—thankfully this restroom was posh and clean. Not that Jeno had wherewithal to ponder this as Jaemin collided their lips feelingly, clearly having missed Jeno as much as he’d been missed. Jaemin was kissing him with such savagery Jeno was glad he’d left the cap in his trunk, so nothing could get in the way he was being worshipped as though their quarrel had been weeks and not days.

They had to reluctantly stop when footfalls neared outside, leaping apart guiltily and washing their hands at opposite ends of the sinks before darting out of the toilet, shoving and giggling like teenagers.

Jaemin threw him a finger heart and mouthed the words, sweet as sugar, as they headed for the cinema and Jeno prepared to be cuddled for two hours and fed popcorn.

‘Gross.’ Jeno shoved him again, not even surprised. He wouldn’t be Jaemin if he couldn’t outcheese him.

‘You’re so embarrassing,’ he teased as they queued to get into a restaurant for a pre-movie bite. Jaemin always insisted they go dutch while Jeno enjoyed paying for him.

‘Jerk.’ Jaemin glared and pinched the inside of his arm, pretending to get mad again. Jeno chuckled, wrapped around his little finger.

* * *

He thought about the first steps they were taking together into a relationship more serious than either of them had been in before, their insecurities bumping up against each other. The way lately when Jaemin wasn’t around, Jeno found himself tapping his feet and gnawing his lip and fidgeting restlessly, aching to be in his presence once more. Though Jaemin belonged entirely to him now, Jeno still couldn’t get enough.

And when they were finally together, it felt like he couldn’t fit into his own skin, like he might implode at the seams.

Maybe it was just the honeymoon phase—but considering he’d been in this love since he was a teenager, Jeno wasn’t counting on that.

So he continued feeling senselessly drawn, like a bee to honey.

* * *

’I’ve been wondering,’ Jaemin coughed a few dates later when Jeno came to pick him from school. He frowned delicately. ‘Have you been bulking up? You looked buffer than I expected... when I saw your body properly.’

Then he blushed at his forwardness and bringing up the first time they had sex, a week ago.

‘I… yeah. A little.’ Jeno was now trying not to recall how his boyfriend looked naked—exquisite—and failing.

His own heated flush deepened under Jaemin’s accusatory look, like Jeno had done something illegal.

It wasn’t much, and not solely for this reason, but Jeno liked being bigger and stronger than Jaemin, though he was barely taller. It was an ego thing.

‘You need a punishment for being rude,’ Jaemin drawled straight-faced, in his satin voice.

‘W-what punishment?’

Not seeming to care about their proximity to his school, Jaemin reached down and nudged his hand between Jeno’s thighs.

Jeno leaped back with a wounded yelp, his cock twitching and jeans tightening at the undisguised lust dilating Jaemin’s pupils. He was running predatory eyes over Jeno’s body like some kind of pervert. Finally doing it hadn’t appeared to slake his thirst one bit.

Jeno couldn’t hold back the mental images anymore—of Jaemin holding his legs open wantonly, spreading them wide for Jeno’s fingers. Writhing beneath him, making pornographic sounds, impaled to the hilt by Jeno’s cock. His worries had been unfounded—Jaemin was leaking just from thrusts to his prostate, gasping as he watched Jeno’s cock disappearing into his hole, that Jeno thought he could come untouched. But of course he couldn’t bear to prolong his torment and hastened to assist when Jaemin begged Jeno to release him with the slick slide of a tight fist around his erection.

Despite the fact he’d used too much lube and got rougher than he intended—it had been the single most erotic experience of Jeno’s life; so if anyone was breaking the rules, it was Jaemin.

* * *

‘Don’t grope me in public,’ Jeno warned now, trying to keep his voice level.

Jaemin’s eyes darkened and he bit his lip as if suppressing laughter.

‘Or what? You gonna punish _me_ , big guy?’

Lying in Jeno’s arms, in his bed, and basking in each other’s afterglows following that beautiful and awkward first time, Jaemin had offhandedly mentioned that he wanted to save up for a pair of AirPods, and a brilliant idea struck Jeno.

’Wouldn’t you have less time to spend with me then, babe?’ Jaemin gave him sad puppy eyes when Jeno told him today about the part-time job he was looking for.

Jeno smiled and gathered him into his arms. He couldn’t resist. ‘I’ll make time.’

‘Dumbass, don’t wear yourself out.’ Jaemin melted into him, hands coming up around his back. ‘Let’s go someplace special for our next date since we can’t meet as much after you find one. Any preferences?’

Jeno dropped a kiss into the soft skin at the crook of his neck. ‘Surprise me.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tbqh personally im unsatisfied with how this fic has turned out [felt like the self-indulgence and sappiness got out of my hands and the narrative got bloated tho i didn’t deliberately add filler,, tfw this could hv been 5k words shorter lol] but i’ll try not to be too embarassed of my work, esp since fanfiction is supposed to be fun after all!
> 
> to any writers feeling like me who may be reading this, remember that the only way our writing can stop improving is if we stop practicing :) everyone starts somewhere, writing is a muscle that can only be improved through frequent exercise - remembering this has kept me going when i felt inferior and frustrated with my own limitations


	13. Chapter 13

The string of emojis Jaemin sent the night before were enough to get Jeno hyped for the surprise date, which fell on a Sunday.

Winter was nearly over but the air was still icy and brisk. The weather was good, with a bit of sun.

The first thing Jeno noticed was that Jaemin had arrived proudly wearing the hickey Jeno gave him two days ago. Not that he expected him to wear a turtleneck or something, but he could have at least covered up. The sight in broad daylight was making Jeno embarrassed.

They played hooky together that day, and for some reason Jaemin had gotten into his mind that visiting a gay club would be a blast. It was Jeno’s mistake to agree; he should’ve guessed there was no way Jaemin wouldn’t attract attention in a place like that.

When Jeno returned to their table with drinks, there was a stranger trying to get fresh with Jaemin. Jeno cut his most menacing glare at the older man until he backed off with an apology. Jaemin thought it all hilarious but the rest of Jeno’s day was effectively dampened. They went back to Jaemin’s house so early there was no one home and Jeno gave him a blowjob which nearly made Jaemin sob as he pulled Jeno’s hair hard, then he was finally inside Jaemin like he’d wanted, but Jeno didn’t feel much better until he sucked a mark over the pulse point in Jaemin’s neck. It must’ve been deeper than he thought because he expected it to be more faded by today; hopefully Jaemin would hide it at school tomorrow.

‘You’re such a prude,’ Jaemin dismissed, ‘No one else is here anyway.’

‘ _Why_ are we here?’ Jeno scratched his head, looking around baffled. Here being the field behind their high school. ‘You’re not going to make us have a picnic or anything, right? It’s freezing.’

Still, he took Jaemin’s rather bulky backpack off his shoulders. ‘Dude, this is heavy. What’s inside, your pet rock?’

Jaemin ignored his lame pun, seeming to be searching for something.

‘D'you remember there used to be a secret entrance here?’

‘Duh.’ Jeno pointed a little further down the chicken wire fence. ‘Wasn’t it there?’

‘Hell yeah!’ Jaemin brightened upon dashing forward to find the person-sized hole at the base of the wire still unmended.

‘Na Jaemin, you crackhead. You’ve gotta be kidding me.’

Nevertheless, Jeno lifted the wire for him, gentlemanly, so he could duck in on his hands and knees the way the three of them had done countless times before—to cut classes, because they were late for school, or just because. He wondered if other students had ever discovered it.

‘This is crazy,’ he kept saying even after he’d scrambled in behind, Jaemin laughing when the backpack caught, looking breathless and exhilarated. This was so wrong.

‘We’re going to get arrested for trespassing,’ he said flatly, tightening his hands on the bag straps.

Jaemin laced their fingers together for emphasis as he reassured, ‘Relax, it’s Sunday, not even the security guards are around.’

Jeno shook his head. ‘If we get caught, I’m telling them it was your idea.'

‘Right,’ Jaemin snorted, not believing him for a minute. ‘Besides, since we’re all alone, we can snog as much as we like!’

‘Ugh. Please.’

This guy… he could truly exasperate Jeno like no other. He couldn’t help but laugh, finally relaxing, reminded that Jaemin always rolled with the punches, game for anything and everything Jeno wanted to do, so the least he could do was go along too.

‘But you’re right, baby, it’s cold.’

Jeno immediately tugged Jaemin into a one-armed hug when he said that. Jaemin threw his arm around him and then kissed his mouth, brief but firm. He tasted faintly of bubblegum.

* * *

‘You’re doing it again.'

‘What.’

‘Looking like you want to devour me.’

Jeno ducked his head under Jaemin’s roguish lopsided smirk. He should be used to how he always looked like he just stepped off a catalog by now.

He covered his mouth and tore his eyes away from the width of Jaemin’s shoulders under an oversized Supreme jersey layered over a sweatshirt.

‘It’s just… you look really masculine today.’ He cringed at his words coming out weird, but Jaemin preened in his faux-dramatic manner, absurdly pleased.

‘Really? I look manly?’

‘You look mad cute too,’ he mumbled, then whispered in Jeno’s ear how he would fuck him, _destroy_ him when they got back to Jeno’s house where Jaemin would be sleeping over tonight. Jeno wheezed thinking of his family; Jaemin shrugged and said he would just have to be quiet.

They’d grown to know each other’s love languages by heart, how Jaemin was as demonstrative as he wasn’t, yet sometimes Jeno was the one to make overtures.

Even now, still—every touch felt brand new.

Dating his best friend was easy and comfortable. So easy and comfortable that he couldn’t imagine love being any other way. With any other person.

Time had smoothed out both their rough edges, maturity enabled them to love each other better than they would have been to as teens. To cherish without hurting each other.

And even though he wasn’t aware, he _had_ been waiting, hadn’t he?

For this boy to come back to his side.

And Jeno couldn’t think of any other person worth the wait. Any other person more worthy of his love.

How many people were lucky enough to get a second chance at their first love? Falling for his first love for the second time had been nothing short of a rollercoaster ride.

Jeno hadn’t expected anything from Jaemin. But he had received everything.

It no longer smarted that he wasn’t Jaemin’s first love, because Jeno knew if he brought it up—which he’d never—Jaemin would just beam and say what mattered was that Jeno would be his last.

They made their way to their favourite wing of the school building, which housed the sports hall and chemistry labs. Stopping at a wall with aged graffiti they recognised, Jaemin requested his help for a selfie.

Jeno groaned at the double finger hearts he thrust out shamelessly.

‘Too corny?’ Jaemin changed his pose, smile unflagging.

No. Jeno just didn’t want his Instagram followers to be privy to such a heart-fluttering sight.

‘Now you.’ Jaemin skipped over to whip out his phone, lighting up the moment he was behind a camera.

Jeno hesitated, floundering.

Jaemin pursed his lips, seeing through him with ease. ‘Tsk, I won’t post it. Don’t you trust me?

‘It’s for my personal collection.’ He flashed a satisfied leer as Jeno finally posed grudgingly. A few flashes dazzled him. ’And my lock screen. You didn’t think I’d share my boo with anyone, did you?

‘Oh, nice blush. How bout you say something. Maybe my name?’

‘Fuck you.’

‘Here?’ Jaemin batted his lashes without missing a beat. He grinned and winked at Jeno as he finally lowered the phone, having gotten the shots he wanted.

Jeno would die for him.

Next he produced a polaroid camera from the bag he was carrying one-shouldered now—no wonder it’d been so heavy. They snapped a few shots together because Jaemin wanted to send them via snail mail to Sicheng.

‘Wouldn’t it be romantic to receive polaroids in the post like that,’ he hummed, uncapping a sharpie with his teeth to scribble the date framed by hearts. ‘I bet it’ll make him smile.’

Jeno laughed and agreed, scrawling messages of his own. Knowing that Jaemin was a romanticist, but even more, enjoyed being romanced. So Jeno had learned to sweet talk and initiate skinship better.

He thought about the ways, big and small, they had changed each other. Changed _for_ each other.

* * *

As they walked to the next stop, the deserted school so tranquil and peaceful, Jaemin asked shyly if he could hold his hand.

’No,’ Jeno joked. Jaemin daggered his eyes at him and took off his fingerless gloves—which happened to be Jeno’s motorcycle gloves—then grabbed his hand unceremoniously.

He reluctantly let go when they arrived at their destination—their old classroom. Nostalgia flooded back, saturating Jeno. It was hard to believe they were back here. Together. It was like a dream.

Seeming equally overwhelmed, Jaemin weaved through the aisles and settled down at Jeno’s table. He remembered its exact location, just like Jeno remembered his.

Jeno gave his boyfriend a knowing smile and slid into his old seat. It was comfortable. They both glanced at Sicheng’s desk in sync. Jaemin moved his thoughtful gaze towards the lightly-markered whiteboard, which used to be a black chalkboard.

‘What’re you thinking?’

‘Should we draw an umbrella on the board and write our names under it?’

Jeno blanched. ’No.’

‘Hehe.’

Jaemin unzipped his magical knapsack again. ‘Hungry?’ he asked solicitously.

‘You seriously brought a picnic?’ Jeno’s jaw slackened.

Jaemin stuck out his tongue. ‘It’s just fruit.’

Jeno pushed his bangs back watching Jaemin open the Tupperware box. He almost laughed; sometimes he was so _housewifely_. Then his own stomach growled and Jaemin was the one who chortled as Jeno’s ears went scarlet.

‘I wanted to pack soy sauce egg rice, but it would’ve turned cold.’ Jeno couldn’t believe Jaemin had wanted to bring that.

Jaemin shrugged with a fond smile. ‘You really like my soy sauce egg rice, no?’

Jeno opened his mouth for the green grape offered. ‘It’s seedless shine muscat.’ Jaemin had painstakingly plucked all the grapes off the bunch to fit into the bento box. He even brought cans of milkis, lukewarm but sweet.

‘I can feed myself,’ he muttered, self-consciousness increasing when Jaemin took out his phone instead and started taking pictures again. ‘Stop that and eat too or I’ll feed you.’

‘Sorry, I just love seeing you enjoying my food.’ Another winning grin. After the meal, Jaemin dug out a small scrapbook from the bag—to Jeno’s great amusement—and started taping the polaroids in with cute stickers.

‘It’s for Sicheng; I can’t just send a bunch of loose polaroids,’ he said defensively when Jeno couldn’t contain his snickers.

Just before they left, Jaemin said apropos of nothing, ‘Lee Jeno, you know you’re my muse, right?’

Jeno made a face to hide the way his heart had leaped into his throat.

One day—when they were older—he would find a way to express how secretly, being on the other side of Jaemin’s viewfinder made Jeno feel more than anything like his domain, the same way Jaemin’s smothering words of affection did.

He knew Jaemin would wait.

He looked almost the same as he had when they were eighteen, except in streetwear instead of uniform. Every corner of this classroom—every corner of this person—was chock full of memories, crisp and crystalline. In a half-daze, Jeno watched the dust motes dancing in the shaft of sunlight around Jaemin.

‘Whatcha doin’?’

Jaemin lifted the cover of Jeno’s desk after studying the top. ‘Just checking if you carved your crush’s name onto your desk.’

‘Oh my god, you freak.’ Jeno ran out the classroom.

* * *

He was the one who tugged Jaemin’s hand out of his pocket, though, as they walked down the corridors back the way they came. Jaemin locked their fingers together tighter and swung their linked hands a little.

‘My friends are still dying to meet you,’ he murmured, almost to himself. ‘But I kinda want to keep you to myself a bit longer.’

Jeno didn’t realise he’d been serious about not wanting to share him. It was rather flattering.

Nobody could predict the future. Here they were, in their little corner of the big spinning world, clinging to each other, desperately young but also hideously, unequivocally in love.

Of course he knew it was too early to say for sure. That hearts could change. That some people would say twenty-one year olds were still children, couldn’t possibly understand what love was.

Yet, he also knew that no outsider would understand this indefinable, ephemeral _thing_ between them. The way meeting as young teens, coming of age side by side, had shaped and coloured them both in ways that were indelible.

Jeno was well aware, that to find a life companion like they were to each other, was as rare as finding a needle in the ocean.

So despite the temptation, he wouldn’t think about forever, just yet. He would focus on the present, this moment in which he felt complete and whole for the first time in his life because this was _all his_ —this extraordinary, spontaneous, reckless boy with his marvellous appetite and breathtaking soul.

It was funny, because he’d assumed he would just be first in the line of straight guys who would break Jeno’s heart throughout his life—but somehow, he’d become Jeno’s whole world.

Jaemin’s ditzy laughter belied his tight grip on Jeno’s hand. He made a wish that life, brutal and unpredictable as it was, would let them stay together. At the same time, he felt foolishly brave about the future for once. The future which suddenly looked so much better because of this person. His person.

* * *

‘Shall we go on a trip during the summer holidays?’ Jaemin turned around, eyes crinkling.

‘Let me.’ Jeno took the swiss army knife from his hand, worried he would hurt himself. ‘And yeah, that sounds really good.’ All the more reason for him to find a part-time job.

His eyes had bugged out when Jaemin flicked the knife open from his pocket. The thoroughness with which he planned this date astounded and floored Jeno.

Jaemin let him concentrate as he worked in silence. When he finished, he received a grateful kiss on the cheek. Jeno let himself be held, enveloped in his dear, familiar scent. They admired the heart carved into the tree trunk around the initials NJM and LJN for a time.

A bittersweet freedom crept through him as they finally left the school. Jaemin raced across the grass sparkling with dew, giggling with abandon and beckoning him impatiently. It was in this very field that Jeno remembered the sensation of falling as he sat on the sidelines watching his two friends kick a soccer ball back and forth. Jaemin’s shirttails had fallen out and he looked so carefree that Jeno’s pulse sped up with adrenaline despite his inertia. The sky behind him. Their youth sprawled ahead, enough to squander. Jeno thought he could feel his life changing.

* * *

Jaemin grabbed the back of his neck and kissed him fiercely, like he meant it. It was one of those moments in life he never wanted to forget, so Jeno burned it all into his memory—these lips that tasted like ambrosia; his heart in his eyes; that high school sweetheart smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this fic will have an epilogue! you were probably wondering where the side pairings were lol the reason I couldn’t include any dowoo earlier is bc the events of this fic take place before milk toast, but there will be enough dowoo in the epilogue [and sungtaro] to qualify it as side pairing, as well as lots more fluffy nomin ofc. additionally i may have a final extra chapter from jaemin’s pov planned for sometime in the future which will be kinda optional reading for hardcore fans, but the epilogue is actually part of the story so i hope you’ll stick around for it,, it’ll be posted asap
> 
> i had a hard time saying goodbye to the verse of milk toast back then, so i also felt like easing into it this way would be easier for me and any readers who may have grown attached too [if there are even any lmfao]. anyways as i mentioned milk toast is technically the sequel to this fic, and there is more of nomin’s established relationship in it, not like a lot but more than the dowoo in this, and they even have their own cute lil misunderstanding haha. so it’s there if u’re interested in reading more, i guess ;3
> 
> stay tuned! and stream 90s love
> 
> ps. shoutout this time to my multifandom, multific reader acrazyworldofdreams. ilysm.
> 
> pps. random but jenle’s date video got me crying in my feels,, who else?? my uwu ship ;;


	14. Chapter 14

What happened was that Jaemin’s friends forwarded him a funny porn video, and they watched it together in fits of giggles, and after that when he clicked to the main page to check out other videos, Jeno didn’t object—because lovers should be comfortable enough to watch porn together, right?

He didn’t expect one thing to lead to another. Midway Jaemin paused the vid and said, voice low, ‘I can see your hard-on.’

‘W-what?’ Jeno looked down and covered his crotch, feeling violated. Jaemin’s laserlike eyes and the friction of his own touch only made him more worked up.

‘Need help?’ His boyfriend didn’t resume the video, tossing the phone aside.

Jeno sighed, a bit shaky. ‘You wanna suck my dick?’

Jaemin almost always got what he wanted. Especially from Jeno.

Plus, he gave great head, for someone with no prior experience.

Jaemin replied by cupping his cock through his sweatpants, tracing the outline as all of Jeno’s blood rushed south. Jaemin swallowed audibly as if salivating. Eyes wolfish. He tugged the waistbands down to free Jeno.

Jeno pressed his knuckles into his teeth and gripped his now flushed, throbbing length as Jaemin kicked off his bottoms. Jeno watched wide-eyed as he scooted forward on his knees braced on either side of Jeno’s thighs.

‘Wait, condom—‘

‘It’s okay for once.’ Jaemin clicked his tongue, breathing harshened and dick already at half-mast. ‘We know we’re both clean.’

‘Fuck,’ Jeno groaned, voice already wrecked. His erection brushed Jaemin’s inner thigh.

It wasn’t as easy as the (heterosexual) video made it look. Jaemin held Jeno’s dick after fingering himself open as Jeno watched, and sank his hole down around it.

Jeno breathed through his mouth. Jaemin was so tight despite the prep, he worried he’d hurt him. His walls pulsed around Jeno. They’d never tried this position before but holy shit, he might have a new kink.

Jeno’s hips snapped upward of their own accord, bottoming out and Jaemin moaned, ‘Ah!’

He was riding Jeno's cock with a look of concentration, watched by Jaemin’s plushies in his bedroom. On the brink of finishing Jeno pulled out and jerked himself off on Jaemin’s torso as he gasped. His cum looked hot on Jaemin; his own hand worked his cock to climax, panting hot into Jeno’s clavicle and spurting across Jeno’s shirt too.

‘Come inside next time,’ Jaemin murmured sounding raw as they leaned against each other, chests heaving, and, ‘You’re a sex god,’ which was the praise he always showered on Jeno after sex, ravishing his lips. The lust in his irises softening into love.

* * *

Since the phenomenal date at their high school, Jeno had a growing desire to spring an equally romantic surprise on his boyfriend. So when Jaemin asked one day as Jeno walked into his room, ‘Babe, you aren’t looking for the part-time job to buy me AirPods, are you?’ he stammered.

‘Why would you ask that.'

Jaemin extended Jeno’s phone he’d been using. ‘I didn’t snoop, it was opened to the Apple website.’

Jeno grabbed the phone back. ‘Uh, I must’ve clicked on an ad by accident.’

Jeno wasn’t particularly oaflike or anything. Jaemin was just such a model bf he made him look shabby in comparison. But Jeno wanted to be Jaemin’s prince too. No matter how bumbling he was, he wanted to sweep Jaemin off his feet at least once.

He, Jeno Lee, could pull this off, dammit. He vowed to execute this romantic surprise successfully and make Jaemin love him just that little bit more.

So when he found the job as a delivery rider at NEOCOFFEE, he didn’t let Jaemin in on it and asked Donghyuck to keep it on the down low too. He let Jaemin assume he hadn’t yet found a suitable job, at least until he earned enough to buy the pods. When Jaemin asked what he’d gotten busy with these days, Jeno just grunted something vague about the upcoming exams. And though it was a white lie, he felt guilty. Plus, he was a bad liar. Especially to Jaemin.

Absence made the heart grow fonder. Jeno found out this was true. Jaemin teared up upon unwrapping the ribboned gift box and seeing the sparkly new AirPods. He then tackled Jeno onto his bed and gave him the best orgasm of his life, so he surmised he was mostly forgiven.

* * *

Even after that, he went on working shorter hours because he still wanted to save for the vacation trip and had grown fond of the colleagues at the cafe.

Jaemin introduced him to his two friends one-on-one, to make up for the long delay. It was nerve-wracking because he wanted to impress Jaemin’s best friends desperately, but Mark put Jeno at ease right away, regaling him with accounts of how much they’d pestered Jaemin to stop hiding his mystery guy. Jaemin kept on flexing his new AirPods, telling everyone who would listen how Jeno had bought it for one of their monthversaries. It was adorable.

Jungwoo hyung was more daunting. Knowing he was the second of Jaemin’s favourite hyungs whose approval Jeno craved, his blood ran cold when he found out about the misconception Jungwoo had developed about him.

Jungwoo’s actions made sense and fell into place after Jaemin told him he was dating Doyoung, their other colleague at the coffee shop. Jungwoo had been pretty obvious, sizing Jeno up and bordering on unfriendly each time Jeno came in the shop, so Jeno felt bad for being insensitive and not telling Jaemin about the job in the first place.

It was difficult to say who was more breathless with shock at the coincidence when they found out that Jeno’s colleague was none other than Jaemin’s mysterious best friend.

‘I told you,’ Jaemin enthused gleefully. ‘ _Destiny_.’

And Jeno wasn’t romantic, but yeah—this finally made him believe he would’ve found Jaemin somehow, anyway. Serendipitously.

They had met up at NEOCOFFEE today for Jaemin to finally be introduced to Doyoung. Jeno rested his cheek on his palm and enjoyed watching Jaemin being extra and messy with Jungwoo, almost as chaotic as he was around Jeno. Jaemin went to the restroom and narrowed his eyes on returning to find Jungwoo mid-apology for his previous jealous behaviour.

‘Hyuuung, stop giving my baby the third degree,’ he whined, making Jeno squirm, mortified.

‘I wasn’t,’ Jungwoo protested, then raised a brow at Jeno. ‘Should I be?’

But when Doyoung arrived and ordered drinks for the whole group with Jaehyun hyung at the counter before joining them, Jaemin’s loquaciousness faded into introversion. Jeno thought he caught a glimpse of his old self as he became shy and reserved.

Jungwoo and Doyoung were dressed in matching couple hoodies despite arriving separately, and didn’t seem at all bashful about it.

Jaemin seemed relieved as they ended up watching their hyungs bickering in a curiously domestic manner. Jungwoo gazed at Doyoung with a beatific smile like he was the bee’s knees while Doyoung looked at him like the sun rose and set behind his back.

‘Hyung, you’re somehow... different around Jungwoo hyung.’ Jeno made conversation in his awkward fashion as Jaemin ate cake.

Doyoung shrugged. ‘What can I say, Jungwoo likes the bad boys.’

Jungwoo fed him a sip of his drink. ‘Don't embarrass yourself, old man.’

Watching Doyoung fuss over Jungwoo’s longish bangs made Jeno turn to eye Jaemin’s, which were now grazing his eyelashes.

‘What, you think I should cut mine?’

Jeno smiled. ’No, they’re perfect.’

‘You brats are disgusting,’ Jungwoo groaned. Jaemin retorted calmly that they were worse.

At the end of the meeting, Doyoung told Jaemin in his expansive way that he should drop by anytime, even without Jeno for drinks on the house because any friend of Jeno and Jungwoo was a friend of his.

‘Cool, thanks hyung.’ Jaemin flashed his charming smile.

While Jaemin was at the counter buying some food for his family because he wanted to pay for _something_ , Doyoung grinned with obvious approval.

‘He’s a good kid.’ Jungwoo looked as proud as Jeno. ‘You really like him, don’t you?’

Jaemin came back just as Jeno was pinkening under Doyoung’s shrewd gaze. ‘What’d I miss?’ Jeno stuttered nothing.

‘You’re his favourite dongsaeng, aren’t you. Besides Jungwoo hyung, I mean.’

‘Doyoung hyungie’s?’

Jaemin nodded, not hiding his cute jealousy. He had a surprisingly possessive streak.

* * *

They invited Sungchan and Shotaro to Jeno’s house to play Minecraft, all bumping shoulders when the two arrived.

Jeno sat with his arm absently looped behind Jaemin on the couch. Shotaro said something to Sungchan in Japanese when he saw this from the floor where they were sitting.

‘What’re you guys saying?’ Jeno asked, shifting away slightly.

’I’m not sure, my Japanese isn't that good,’ Sungchan replied poker-faced. Shotaro laughed.

Jaemin received a text and burst out guffawing. Everyone craned their necks to see. It was a picture of Jungwoo and Doyoung canoodling with a cutesy filter.

‘What the hell?’ Sungchan asked.

‘Who are those hot guys?’ Shotaro wanted to know.

‘Our friends,’ Jaemin wheezed, ‘We’re kind of in a competition to out-PDA each other.’

‘Oh, can me and Taro join too? What’s the prize?’

‘Um, bragging rights.’

‘No thanks. You guys are weird,’ Sungchan commented blankly.

Jeno sputtered. ‘I’m surrounded by idiots.’

Jaemin tittered supportively at his joke. ‘Except me, right?’

’ _Especially_ you,’ Jeno dug, but squeezed his thigh to soften the blow.

* * *

‘Jeno-yah…’

‘Jaem, can you get your mind out of the gutter for one sec.’

‘Nope, and that’s all your fault.’

A surge of feeling for his boyfriend overcame Jeno for no apparent reason. Jaemin was always the one initiating their lip-locks, so this time Jeno decided to grab him around the waist. He could tell he had successfully wrong-footed Jaemin for once as he kissed his soft mouth, worshipful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rating raised again bc I accidentally wrote more smut I swear I totally didn’t mean to write lol. Also the next [last] chap from jaemin’s pov [which will contain the bed sharing mentioned in my tags] will prob hv some spicy stuff too
> 
> If you enjoyed reading this fic, please consider leaving me a kudos, maybe a comment too [I’ll try to reply comments on this chap since I don’t have to rush to write anything now] and share it on twitter etc :) the final chapter will be posted probably sometime later after I take a good long rest lmao. Im actually p excited to explore a little bit of jm’s perspective and his feelings abt jn. thank you so so much if you read the entirety of this long fic and spent time in this universe which I had such fun creating and received an indescribable amount of support and warmth and love in the process of doing so. I am prostrate with gratitude to each and every reader who read this fic at any point of time, if you stayed from chap 1 up till the end, it means the world to me. But I have a special place in my heart for the 200 plus readers who followed the growth of this as a wip, faithfully clicked every update no matter where and when, no matter how short, with such patience. In fact, I could see that most of these first readers had already left kudos early on, before I finished, demonstrating great trust and faith in me. Thank you for sharing this precious space with me. It was truly a wild ride.
> 
> I wrote this fic in a kind of experimental style which was slightly different from my usual - my other fics are mostly dialogue and action, but this had a bit more introspection and I felt it was particularly risky with jeno’s narrative voice bc I don’t see him as a person who introspects a lot. Not that I don’t think he’s smart bc I think he’s rly smart, just that I see him as someone more action than thought-oriented - like most guys in general. As expected, this caused his characterisation and the pacing to turn out unsatisfactory for me lol but it was a writing experience I learned from so i’m thankful anyways
> 
> I appreciate if you made it till the end of this note too. Im sending the best vibes to you and all your loved ones. Don’t forget to take care of your mental health as well.
> 
> Last but not least, I have to thank the fairy godmother of this fic, aries amethyst [or should i call you the dad since u cheered me on every step of the way while I pushed this out lmfao.. OK SORRY FOR THE GROSS METAPHOR]. Your presence on every page is truly what gives this fic its sparkle.
> 
> Stream work it and watch this space if u like hehe


	15. omake

‘ _There’s only one bed.’_

_Jaemin points out the obvious._

_‘We’ll have to share it,’ she adds when Jeno doesn’t answer._

_‘You don’t have a futon or anything?’_

_Jeno sighs when she shakes her head innocently. ‘Oh well. At least your bed is bigger than mine.’_

_It’s their first slumber party though they’ve been friends forever. Instead of having a pillow fight after dinner with Jaemin’s parents, they recline side by side on the bed. Jeno opens her Balenciaga handbag and takes out her phone, getting lost in tapping the keys. She’s probably just texting her mother—but Jaemin draws her attention back anyway by saying, ‘You look pretty.’_

_She really does, lounging in Jaemin’s bed with her gamine grace and coltish legs, looking like she belongs there. Jaemin peripherally notices glossy lips, cropped tank and minishorts that makes her wonder how her best friend would look in only lingerie. Does Jeno sleep in this attire every night?_

_Jeno sets her phone aside and the full force of her lash-veiled stare is abruptly on Jaemin. Her eyelashes are so long and thick, even without mascara, Jaemin wouldn’t be able to count them if she tried. Bare-faced skin flawless and glowing._

_‘Is this how you sweet talk all the oppas? I got about three new requests for your number this week.’ There’s an amused glint in Jeno’s eyes that softens her question._

_Jaemin flicks her forehead. ‘Are you calling me a Casanova? Rude. And I hope you told them all I’m a lesbian.’_

_‘You shouldn’t lie.’ Jeno’s laughter follows Jaemin even after the lights are out. She can hear her friend’s quiet breathing an arm’s length away, both of them under Jaemin’s sheets. Jaemin pretends to shift closer in her sleep, and Jeno flinches away slightly. It’s cute how she’s so shy even after they’ve been besties literally forever._

_But in the morning they wake up to find their limbs tangled together, sharing warmth. The new level of intimacy making a peachlike shade of pink bloom on Jeno’s cheekbones; her limpid eyes sleepy. Jaemin’s half-awake heart swoops._

_One of their mutuals asked if it was annoying—the way Jeno’s apparently always ‘hovering’. Jaemin didn’t even notice until it was brought up—but then she couldn’t stop noticing. The way Jeno never drew attention to her actions, seemed even unaware of it, but like their friend pointed out, was always orbiting Jaemin, staring at her from the sidelines until she caught her gaze, then dropping it, but not before Jaemin got confused by the look she glimpsed._

_Adoring._

_As she told their friend frankly that she didn’t mind, there was a warm tickle in her stomach. She wondered where Jeno was right then. Felt strangely untethered without her._

_Now, in Jaemin’s bed, haloed by morning sunlight, Jeno runs slender fingers through her tresses and sheepishly dissolves into her perpetual eye smile. ‘You should sleep over at mine next time.’_

_To hide her butterflies, Jaemin scrambles out of bed and starts tidying her appearance at the dresser. ‘Unnie can use the bathroom first.’_

_‘Good girl.’ Jeno ruffles her hair playfully as she heads out the bedroom. Time stops_.

* * *

In his dreams, Jaemin always seems to be chasing after Jeno.

Then he wakes up and remembers; and for the first time, understands what it means to have reality better than dreams.

Jeno slept over last night after he came to Jaemin’s home to chill the evening away. It’s morning and the first thing Jaemin blinked awake to see was his boyfriend’s shirtless broad back. Jeno is facing the wall on the other half of Jaemin’s bed with his arms wrapped around Jaemin’s Ryan body pillow.

Ridiculously, he feels envious of the pillow. He’s used to waking up with his lover’s heavy frame draped over him like a large dog, emanating warmth.

Reluctant to rouse him just to satisfy his spoiled whim to cuddle, Jaemin settles on feasting his eyes on Jeno’s half-nude body to his heart’s content. Memories from the night before rush back in delicious detail. Jeno pinned Jaemin to the bed with his hips and butterflied kisses down his body, languid and unhurried.

His boyfriend loves putting things in his mouth. And yes, Jaemin means his dick.

So absorbed is he in the brain-melting recollections that he doesn’t notice the other person in his bed has stirred. The breath leaves Jaemin’s chest as Jeno lazily props himself up on his elbows. The tongue slipping to moisten sleep-dry lips draws Jaemin’s attention.

Jeno’s own attention sweeps over the bruises sucked into the skin over Jaemin’s pecs, before he rolls over in one move and pins Jaemin with his weight.

They don’t usually kiss before brushing teeth, but that dark puppy gaze reaching into Jaemin’s eyes like the hands reaching for his feels more intimate than any kiss.

It’s kind of amazing. How they’ve known each other so very many years, but there’s still so much to unlock in both bodies and hearts. How no matter how well he knows this boy, it feels like _not enough_. How even now there can be such newness that it makes his stomach flip as their heated bare skins brush under wrecked covers.

* * *

It’s a few days later and he calls his boyfriend to tell him about the parcel Sicheng sent as a return gift for their polaroid scrapbook. It was a set of chrome couple rings with the words _Happy Wedding!_ on the box. Jaemin felt his face grow hot when he saw it, despite being alone. He did tell their friend they started dating, but what the hell was this? He decided Sicheng misunderstood something and called Jeno to tell him his Korean must’ve grown rusty.

He picks up sounding hoarse. ‘Jaeminie.’

‘Are you okay?’

A clogged sniffling noise. ‘My condition isn’t so good. Gotta head to work in a bit though—‘

‘Take the day off!’

’I can’t.’ Jeno sounds miserable. ‘Doie hyung and Woo hyung need my help.’

‘I’ll take over for today. You, Lee Jeno, stay home,’ Jaemin instructs stoutly.

‘How’re you going to make the deliveries?’

‘I’ll use my bicycle.’

* * *

Doyoung is as concerned as him when he hears the news. He gives Jaemin a flask of honey citron tea for Jeno along with the few delivery orders.

Jeno gets in a tizzy when Jaemin shows up on his doorstep later. ‘You shouldn’t have come; I don’t wanna get you sick too.’

Jaemin smiles. ‘Was worried about you alone. I’ll leave in a jiffy.’

He feels Jeno’s forehead. It’s only mildly warm, but he says, ‘Oh my goodness,’ then repeats it when his boyfriend finally cracks a smile.

‘It’s no biggie. Shouldn’t have stayed up too late last night to cram; I’m just brain-fried.’

Jeno looks adorable in a creased oversized hooded sweatshirt. He absently tugs down his sweater paws as he goes in search of a mask for himself. That’s the type of boyfriend he is.

Jaemin ushers him to bed after that, pours out the honey citron tea and cooks seaweed soup he leaves in the kitchen before departing.

* * *

To his relief, Jeno looks completely recovered when Jaemin goes to his school the next day to pick him. Showing up like this reminds him of the beginning of their relationship when he had been sucked inexplicably into hot pursuit of his high school friend. Jaemin’s glad he persisted, though. He’ll never give up on this person.

‘Does this mean we can kiss now?’ was the first thing he said upon seeing his boyfriend.

‘ _That’s_ what you were worried about?’ Jeno arches his brow and crooks his lips in his effortlessly sexy manner, making Jaemin surge forward to kiss them hard. It’s so unfair how he’s the only person in the world who can fluster Jaemin, and he can’t even feel anything but hopelessly endeared.

Jeno wraps both arms around Jaemin’s shoulder blades with his bad boy laugh and heartbreaker smile. He’s the sort of person who likes who he likes, and can’t pretend. So from the time they were in high school, Jaemin felt immeasurably honoured to be one of the few people Jeno really liked. But when he found out about his feelings, what he felt was more than honour. Much more.

Love like this… Jaemin never thought it would happen to him. He thought it only existed in fairytales, in dramas and movies. To be on the receiving end of such love utterly devoid of any selfishness has changed Jaemin’s life in its entirety.

Sweet, loyal Jeno with his sharp tongue and soft heart and that pride which is so similar to Jaemin’s own, which was why he couldn’t fault him when he was afraid to let down his guard for so long. It’s well-known that Jeno is whipped for him, but less common knowledge that Jaemin is putty in his hands as well. He thinks he’ll keep that secret to himself a little longer.

There are so many vagaries in the future, still. They have to come out of the closet to their families, introduce each other not as friend but partner.

But—‘Love you,’ Jeno whispers, eyes smiling, a kiss pressed to the shell of his ear after glancing around their periphery; and Jaemin is ready to take on the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said this extra would be posted later on but since its p short I took advantage of my momentum to just finish it off, I will take a nice break after this tho so dw hehe
> 
> I hope you liked this little glimpse into jm’s pov,, thank you again if you gave this fic a chance and spent a substantial amount of hours reading my words. I’ll be happy if it brought you a little joy.
> 
> Re; the excessive introspection in here that bothered me [lol] I forgot to mention in the previous note but the narrative in this fic wasn’t meant to be jeno’s thoughts verbatim - I meant it to be read as his feelings and emotions being ‘translated’ into words instead of the whole narrative beng a stream of consciousness dramatic internal monologue kinda thing - just like I occasionally use big and rare words in my narrative but I don’t actually mean the characters think those words; it’s just the narrative describing their feelings. Not sure if this makes sense but I wanted to clarify lmao. I’ll continue working hard to put out works you can enjoy ;]


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